


when i'm with you

by founder1



Category: Block B
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, and everyone is soft for kyung, it's happy tho dw!!, no one is famous but zico
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 13:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11601348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/founder1/pseuds/founder1
Summary: jiho doesn't change kyung, but he makes kyung want to be better.





	when i'm with you

**Author's Note:**

> this was meant to be a 5k thing, i really don't know what happened.  
> things to note!!  
> \- kyung is a year younger in this, but everyone else is the same age (aka jiho hyung is a thing)  
> \- yes i know that lawsuits are normally a lot longer than this one but plot needs to happen  
> \- going by korean university terms ie first from march to june, second from september to november
> 
> all mistakes are my own

'kyung, concert tonight, you in?'

kyung closes his textbook and pushes himself from his desk, spinning round to face yukwon, resting his chin in his hands.

'sure, who's playing?'

yukwon puts down his book, smiling at kyung.  

'dunno, but it's just downtown, and taeil has already got us all tickets, so.'

kyung nods and hums in agreement, before wheeling himself closer to the bed where yukwon is seated, then inelegantly rolling onto it, so that his head rests on yukwon's thighs. 

'whatcha reading?'

yukwon looks up, knowing exactly what will happen next. he'll start explaining what the book has covered up to where he is, feeling kyung nod against him, occasionally complaining about how dumb it sounds or contradicting a point, and then he’ll start reading to kyung until he falls asleep. though yukwon hates reading aloud, the fact that it gets kyung to sleep for more than ten minutes means he'll do it for as long as it takes for kyung to drift off. 

it's not that kyung finds any of it boring, he does genuinely want to know about the stuff yukwon is interested in, but he's only had three hours sleep in the last three days and so yukwon lets him sleep until twenty minutes before they need to leave. he shakes kyung awake, and drags him to his bedroom to get changed. 

they make it to minhyuk's on time, amazingly, kyung with a coffee in hand courtesy of yukwon, of course, the tiredness in his eyes slowly dissolving into excitement. 

they can hear jaehyo jumping on the sofa, screaming the lyrics to bang bang bang as he attempts the dance, with jihoon simultaneously trying to get him to put down his drink. from the doorway, they can see taeil sitting on the other side of the room, next to the fish tank, looking entirely unphased, and minhyuk just sighs, then makes his way to the kitchen. 

kyung is entirely unsurprised at the situation. 

in the car it’s still loud, the six of them fitting into yukwon’s five seater with four squished at the back, meaning kyung, the smallest, has to basically sit on jaehyo’s lap. he’s not sure who hates it more. but jaehyo keeps asking him questions, and kyung just answers with nods, hums, or not at all. he eventually resorts to gazing out of the window at the city lights, completely oblivious to the look jaehyo shoots the rest of them in the back, one that says ‘he tried’, as he always does.

eventually, they make it to the concert with enough time even for the support act that kyung hadn’t heard of, and really couldn't be bothered to look up. he's good though, has great control of the crowd, and if kyung was a little more comfortable being there, he'd probably have really enjoyed the set. 

they’re squashed into a corner next to the bar, slightly lit by the stage lights, yet dark enough so that they would be left alone. it's the corner they always occupied, whenever they think kyung deserves a break and at least one of them literally drags him out. 

they drink from the moment they arrive, yet kyung feels strangely sober. sure, he had only ordered an orange juice, but normally in the company of his friends, he normally finds himself getting drunk of their drunkness. it’s probably the loudest he ever gets nowadays, so they’re bound to notice, which is what worried him most.

he realises that the support act is gone, that the main act has filled the stage and screams fill his ears, as an unsettlingly familiar beat vibrates through his entire body. 

suddenly, the words 'the tears won't stop, you were my first love' echo throughout the room but to kyung it is almost silent from then, the background noise all filtered down to a low buzz as he stares up at the stage, and feels someone's voice in his ear, their hand shaking his shoulder, probably asking if he's okay. 

he's not okay, that much is obvious. taeil spins him round, looking kyung straight in the eye, before asking again if he's alright. it takes a moment for kyung to work out what’s happening.

kyung coughs, looks down, and mumbles something about needing some air before pushing his friend away. he can feel himself shaking, though it’s boiling inside, and he should probably tell someone that he's really not okay, but his mind is entirely taken over by the thought of one person. 

that thought grows into bad memories, quickly tumbling out of control, draining the room of any oxygen, and before he knows it, kyung can't breathe as he stumbles out of the nearest fire exit, gasping. he doesn't hear any footsteps following, thank god, and he hopes that maybe he managed to at least fool his friends enough. he wouldn't want them to see him cry, anyways. they worry far too much as it is, and this would only make it worse.

one line, nine words and kyung feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. the logical part of his mind registers that _oh, this must be a panic attack_ , but the though is quickly submerged by the pounding in his ears, the tears in his eyes, and that he _can't fucking breathe._

why did he have to follow kyung everywhere?

he doesn't register the hands on his arms at first, or the voice in his ears, distant from the world as he sees one memory again and again. eventually, the guy reaches up and places his hands on either side of kyung's face, forcing him to look up at the stranger. 

'hey, come on buddy, you need to breathe'

it’s fuzzy, the voice, and kyung's instinct is to roll his eyes, because he's not an idiot, he knows he  _needs_  to breathe, he just can't right now. unsure how to communicate this to the guy in front of him, he latches his own hands onto the guy's wrists, gripping as tightly as he can. 

the guy moves closer towards him, and though kyung would normally try to get as far away as possible, he finds himself falling into the arms of this stranger, head on his chest, the strong heart beat slowly bringing kyung back down to earth. their breaths start to align, and suddenly a wave of calm washes over him, someone else’s steady breathing apparently being exactly what he needed to get him back to safety.  

the guy has one hand resting on kyung's shoulder now, arm wrapped around him, and the other is stroking his hair as he whispers softly. his voice is kind of angelic, and kyung feels his eyes drift shut, still wet with tears, as he fully slumps into the man, breathing slowed to normal. it’s still strange, to be this close to someone, but kyung is both too emotionally and physically exhausted to move. it’s not because it’s nice, or anything.

'there you go, well done. i'm proud of you, you’re doing great'

they stand like this for a while, breathing in sync, until kyung finally takes the chance to look up at his saviour. it's dark in the small alley, but kyung can make out messy blond hair, soft eyes, and a small smile. the guy is a head or so taller than him, gazing down as he continues to card his hand though kyung's hair. 

'come on, let's get you some water'

kyung feels the man pull at his wrists, light enough that he could get away if he wanted, but still with enough force to drag him forward. but, he is too drained to protest so they make their way back into the building, though through another door. if kyung keeps his head down, it's to avoid the bright lights, and not to hide his red, swollen eyes. he has no clue where they’re going, but this stranger seems trustworthy enough, and kyung really has no other option here.

he finds himself walking into the man after a minute, who had stopped suddenly, and seems to be arguing with some sort of security guard from what kyung can tell. he sniffs, wipes his eyes, and is suddenly pulled close again in response, the guy's arms wrapping around him, and he hears a soft 'please' from above him. 

the guard sighs and lets them through into what looks like a dressing room, where kyung is guided to sit on a sofa, and only then does he get to see the guys face. he is crouched down in front of the sofa, one hand on his own knee, the other on kyung's, rubbing circles into the fabric of his jeans. it's more comforting that he ever realised something so simple could be. 

the two just stare at each other, neither feeling the need to say anything, and kyung is calm to the point that he can hear the music filtering back into his hearing. the guy then stands, grabs a bottle of water from what appears to be a makeup desk, and opens it before passing it to kyung. 

kyung is genuinely surprised that his hands don't shake as he reaches out to take the water bottle, muttering a small 'thank you' before downing the whole thing. by the time he's done, the man is back to his original position in front of him. 

'i'm jiho. can you tell me your name?'

jiho's voice comes out barely louder than a whisper, as if he's wary because kyung _did_ just have a panic attack, no matter how much kyung doesn't want to admit it, but somehow it doesn't seem to be underlying pity like he’d expect. that's new. 

'kyung'

he whispers in return, and jiho smiles slightly, before moving to join him on the sofa, placing the empty bottle on the floor. it may be a three seater, but he sits close to kyung, hand still on his knee. 

‘were you at the concert tonight, kyung?’

kyung nods.

'did you come here with friends?'

he hums, then brings his head up to look straight forward at the massive mirror ahead, and thinks he would be able to see his puffy eyes a mile off. 

this thought clearly unnerves his more than he realises, because jiho is suddenly turning his head away from the mirror, with one hand on kyung's cheek, stroking it with his thumb, the touch as light as a feather. his other hand brings kyung’s own to jiho’s chest, so that kyung can feel him breathing. he takes a deep breath, and kyung follows.

'it's okay, we don't have to find your friends yet. i'm not gonna kick you out of here, you can stay as long as you need, the show isn’t over for a while. did you get anything to drink from the bar earlier?'

'just orange juice' kyung replies formally, leaning into the warm palm on his face without even realising, their eyes still locked. jiho is probably older than him, he thinks, given how well he was handing the situation. 

jiho smiles again, yet it still looks genuine, like he really doesn’t mind talking to kyung. huh. 

'you don't have to be formal with me, kyung ah. what year were you born?'

'ninety three'

the smile on jiho's face grows, and his hands both drift down onto kyung’s lap, kyung’s own hands now between the both of them. 

'i'm ninety two, but still, you don't have to be formal with me, kyung ah. i don't mind'

the warmth of jiho's hands against his cold ones is so distracting and so _nice_ that he lets his eyes droop shut, and hums to let jiho know he was listening, swaying a little. 

‘are you in seoul for university?’

kyung nods. he’s really not contributing to the conversation very much, but jiho doesn’t seem to mind.

‘what’s your major?’

‘math with music composition’

jiho's laughter, louder this time, makes kyung open his eyes again, and he is met with the most endearing smile he has ever seen. jiho should remind him _so strongly_ of someone else, the similarities are staring him in the face now, yet he feels so safe with jiho. the kind of safe that usually comes with having known someone for longer than you can remember, trusting them with your darkest secrets, them seeing you at your worst. 

kyung guesses jiho ticks the last box, at least. 

'good choice… you look tired, kyung ah. you can sleep until the show is over, if you like, and we can find your friends then. i'm sure they will be looking for you, but i don't want to leave you out there until i know you're absolutely alright. but we should probably let them know you’re alright. is that okay?'

kyung doesn't quite compute that it's a question to start off with, more used to commands when it comes to those older than him, minus his friends. it's a nice change, that someone who is practically a stranger seems to respect him. 

'sure, hyung'

he doesn't think he will ever get tired of jiho's smile. normally, kyung keeps less formal honorifics for use only with a special few, but if this is the reaction he gets, he figures he could add jiho to that list. 

they drift into silence for a moment, both content, until there's a knock at the door and jiho has to get up to answer it. he talks to whoever is outside in a hushed voice, and kyung takes the moment to grab his phone and lean back into the arm of the sofa, and let his eyes drift shut again. he doesn’t know how to even start to explain this over text, he’d normally just not say anything, but jiho had _asked_ , so he’s kind of got to. if his friends have noticed he’s gone, they’re probably a little concerned.

he hears the door close, and jiho making his way back, but what forces him to sit up is his phone vibrating. he looks down at it, only to see jiseok's name flash across the screen. 

jiho is next to him in a heartbeat, gently puts a hand over his, and says,

'i can answer it, if you want. i think they just want to know you're alive'

kyung nods, figuring he doesn’t need to explain how jiseok didn’t actually come with him to the show, so jiho takes the phone and swipes to answer, then places the phone onto the table, loud speaker on.

‘kyung ah, you had better be alright because i just got a call from taeil saying that you not only disappeared, but wouldn’t let him help you when you were having a panic atta-‘

‘kyung is alright, he’s just a little shaken up’

he breathes a sigh of relief and falls into jiho’s side, thankful that jiho seems to understand that he really doesn’t want a lecture right now. he only realises he’s moved when jiho’s arm circles his waist, hand resting on his hip.

‘who the hell is that?’

‘my name is woo jiho, jiseok ssi, i found kyung outside and he’s alright, i’m just letting him rest somewhere quiet right now’

at that, jiseok sounds incredible sceptical and starts to rant again, so kyung figures he kind of has to say something.

‘hyung, it’s me, seriously, i’m okay’

there’s a slight pause, then a sigh of relief.

‘kyung ah! are you sure? who even is this guy?’

jiho jumps in again to save kyung the trouble, which is good, because kyung really has no idea who jiho actually is, and how he got backstage. it should probably worry him a little, but it honestly doesn’t.

‘jiseok ssi, if you google ‘zico’ you will find me, i was the support act at the concert kyung went to. i can get him to send a picture after you hang up if that will put you at ease’

huh. so that’s who the support was. now kyung feels bad that he had paid so little attention.

jiseok sighs, but accepts the offer on the condition that they meet taeil and the rest outside when the show is over. kyung agrees, figuring he will be alright by then, and jiseok promises to calm taeil down.

‘you’re explaining this to me fully tomorrow, kyung ah. but i’m glad you’re alright’

they hang up soon after, and kyung quickly takes one of the most unflattering pictures of himself ever, still leaning fully on jiho, and sends it to jiseok. he’ll probably think its odd, how closely he’s sitting next to a stranger, but then again, kyung himself isn’t exactly sure why either. meanwhile, jiho seems to decide that being horizontal would be a little more comfortable for the both of them, and kyung ends up squished between him and the back of the sofa, head in the crook of jiho’s neck. kyung goes rigid, but relaxes soon enough, still not understanding how he feels so relaxed in the arms of a someone he’s known for less than an hour when he’s normally uncomfortable with a hug from one of his friends, but here he is.

kyung assumes he drifts off, unsurprisingly, because the next thing he knows, jiho is shaking his shoulders gently, whispering his name.

‘show’s over, kyung ah, time to go and meet your friends. you feeling okay?’

kyung nods as he sits up and swings his legs over until his feet touch the floor, mirroring the way jiho sits. his own legs look tiny compared to jiho’s, and he can’t help but blush a little.

they both stand, and kyung grabs his phone as jiho grabs another bottle of water and a jacket before guiding kyung towards the door, draping the jacket over kyung. he had only wore a thin t-shirt and jeans, and adds the gesture to the increasingly long list of reasons why he’s thankful that jiho was the one to find him earlier.

‘hyung,’

they stop just before they make their way through the now open door, and jiho turns to face him.

‘what’s up, kyung ah?’

kyung looks down, wondering if the request to keep in contact would be too much. he stuffs his hands in the jacket pockets, and backtracks. why the hell would jiho even want to keep in contact? what use could kyung ever be to him?

jiho clearly notices his inner turmoil, and takes the opportunity to lift kyung’s chin so that their eyes meet. kyung feels so small, and realises he has done since he met jiho, yet he finds he doesn’t mind the feeling, for once.

jiho smiles, before speaking again,

‘i meant to ask, would it be okay if i added you on kakao talk? i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep at all until i know you’re home safe’

kyung happily hands over his phone, and jiho sends himself a message whilst they stand in the doorway. his face is half lit, only by the light from the room they just left, and kyung can’t help but stare at the way his hair falls into his eyes, and his long eye lashes brush his cheeks as he blinks.

jiho hands back the phone when he finishes, repeating the request of an update when kyung gets home. they then make their way through the winding, dimly lit halls of the backstage area, and out the stage door they had entered through earlier. it’s still cold outside, and jiho has his arm around kyung even before he starts to shiver. they walk round to the front of the building, where there aren’t that many people to kyung’s surprise, which makes it quite easy to spot his friends.

it’s yukwon who spots him first, sprinting over to kyung without a seconds thought, throwing his arms around kyung as soon as he can. the others all soon follow suit, crowding around him, and he lowers his head to rest on whoever’s shoulder is directly in front of him. he can still feel jiho’s hand on his back, sturdy and strong, probably the only thing keeping him from bursting into tears again.

‘you are such a dick’

kyung ducks his head as he laughs at the first words taeil says to him once they all move back. he nods, still laughing, because he kind of is. even jiho snorts at the comment under his breath, and pulls kyung a little closer.

‘um, excuse me, how the hell did you manage to get _zico_ of all people to find you?’

of course that’s what jaehyo would focus on, the idiot. kyung smiles a little wider, and hides his face in jiho’s shoulder, which is becoming something he really loves doing. jiho simply laughs again, and leans his head against kyung’s.

when he looks up again, jaehyo now talking to jiho, but yukwon is looking straight at kyung with a questioning look. kyung hopes he communicates well enough that he kind of doesn’t know what’s happening, but will try to explain later. he’s pretty sure he is understood, because yukwon nods, then moves to stop the conversation.

‘i think i need to take kyung home now’

jiho nods, removes his arm, and kyung feels a coldness like he’s never experienced. he’s being dragged away before he can even say goodbye to jiho, to thank him for quite literally saving him earlier, and tell him that he _will_ text him. he twists himself round, wrist still in yukwon’s grasp, but finds himself lost for words as he looks back at jiho.

jiho seems to know everything he’d wanted to say already though, if the look he throws kyung is anything to go by. he waves quickly, and even though kyung then turns to head back, jiho stays to watch him go.

 

kyung almost forgets to text jiho as they arrive home. his head feels fuzzy, and he probably wouldn’t have made it up to their dorm had yukwon not still been leading him. it feels like he’s two steps behind his body, and the state of his memories make him think he must have drunk _something_ other than orange juice.

it almost feels like he’s blacked out because one minute he’s leaning against the doorframe as yukwon fumbles with his keys, and the next he’s lying face down on what he assumes is yukwon’s bed, because he’s pretty sure it smells like him. then again, kyung isn’t sure of anything right now, and he almost thinks meeting jiho was some dream, his brain creating a sick fantasy of what he’s not worthy of.

those thoughts fall away as a body practically rolls over his to the other side of the bed, and he hears yukwon grunt something that’s probably ‘goodnight’. kyung does the same in return, rolling over onto his back and grabbing his phone, because he did promise to text jiho.

_message to: jiho hyung_

_home safe, i hope you are too_

_and thank you, hyung_

he throws his phone at the bedside table, and doesn’t bother moving when he hears it hit the floor. instead, he rolls back over, tilting his head to rest of his friend’s arm, just as a reminder that what he remembered of the last few hours was real.

 

morning creeps up on kyung, sunlight falling his face, the smell of pancakes drifting over from the other side of the apartment. he really does have the best roommate in the world. reluctantly, he rises and wraps the duvet around himself, and shuffles into the kitchen, where yukwon stands behind the cooker, frying pan in hand, in his shirt and boxers. jaehyo sits at the island next to jihoon, the former yelling at yukwon to ‘just flip the pancake like a normal person for gods sake, kwon ah!’ and the latter typing on his phone, ignoring his loud hyung.

kyung smiles at the scene, not only because he really does treasure his friends, but because he knows the suckers are only up because they have class at nine am. he himself is only awake because his body hates him, and never fails to wake up at a sensible time. he does have to go and see jiseok later, probably before quiz team practice, but that’s not for a while.

‘kyungie, you’re awake, finally! you get first pancakes’

both jihoon and jaehyo groan,

‘but _hyung_ , we have class and h-‘

the sharp look that yukwon throws jihoon promptly cuts him off, but kyung is oblivious, having just thought that jiho might have texted back, and already in the process of rushing back into the bedroom to see.

kyung honestly didn’t expect much of a reply, if one at all, but he has to catch his breath as he unlocks his screen, reading the lines of text that appear.

_message from: jiho hyung_

_kyung ah, i’m glad you’re home safe and i really hope you’re asleep right now_

_if not, please get some rest soon and look after yourself_

_you can call any time if you want to talk about anything, if i don’t pick up just leave a message_

_sleep well, kyung ah_

kyung suddenly feels his face heat up, and is certain he is bright red. _christ_ , jiho. he’d known the guy for only a few hours, and he is still open to keeping in contact? it’s the type of thing that doesn’t happen to kyung, ever.

not even the last time had started out like this.

because kyung can’t help but think of how he likes jiho, how safe he had felt in his presence, and although he doesn’t even know if jiho likes guys, he can feel himself hoping. it’s not like the fear he normally would associate with realising he has a crush, but more a warm tingling sensation that rises through him.

and he realises that he _has_ to see jiho again. he can’t let this go, whatever it is, whatever it might turn out to be, but kyung is willing to put himself out there, for the first time in years.

he should probably start with texting jiho back.

_message to: jiho hyung_

_slept a full seven hours you should be proud_

kyung is more than the panic attack he had the night before, and he wants jiho to see that. he doesn’t want to be someone needy, and though yukwon and jiseok have tried to bead the idea that he is out of him, kyung can’t help it.

to his surprise, jiho’s reply is almost instant.

_message from: jiho hyung_

_nice one! do you have class today?_

_yeah, but not til this afternoon_

_then why are you awake???? go back to sleep???_

and kyung actually giggles, _what the fuck._ he is quickly distracted from his embarrassment by shouts from the kitchen again, requesting his presence. he practically skips into the other room.

‘what’s got you smiling so big?’

the question is quiet enough that only kyung can hear it, as he hooks his chin over yukwon’s shoulder, standing on his tip toes.

‘jiho texted’

there’s no point in lying to yukwon about any of this – he knows almost everything kyung has been through up to now, and there’s only a total of two people who he’s confided in until now. yukwon hums, and kyung starts to wonder which one of them picked up that habit from the other.

he’s passed a plate of pancakes and a freshly made coffee, and makes his way to the island to join his other friends, jaehyo sitting with puppy eyes and his chin in his hands, staring at the food. kyung smirks at him, before drenching his meal in maple syrup and tucking in. that catches jaehyo off guard, and he’s whacked over the head by yukwon as his own pancakes arrive.

kyung listens as the others talk a lot while they eat, the sound of cutlery accompanied by plans for where they’re all having lunch, if they’re going out that night, and who has to go to the library to cram for what upcoming test. twenty minutes and four plates stacked in the sink later, kyung watches the other collect their things so that they can head to class, yelling replies to each other’s various questions of how long they’ve got, or where the keys are. both jihoon and jaehyo have to go to the same buildings, so yukwon doesn’t mind dropping them off on the way to his psych lecture, since he has a car.

they wave goodbye to kyung, yukwon coming over to plant a kiss on the top of his head, and then they leave the dorm. the quiet makes kyung breathe out a sigh of relief, he really does love his friends but sometimes it’s nice to be able to hear himself think. he picks up his phone again, and continues to text jiho.

_i couldn’t turn down pancakes and coffee_

_ah, so that’s your weakness, noted_

_and coffee, huh?_

_my roommate has cooking skills far too good to be wasted on me, but i cope_

_and what’s wrong with coffee?_

_i am jealous, pre packed road meals get boring pretty quickly_

_and nothing, i just didn’t take you for a coffee lover_

_then you have a lot to learn_

kyung is a little unsure about the last text, but sends it before he has the chance to second guess himself. he has no clue if jiho really wants to be talking to him, or ever wants to see him again, but goddamn it he can hope.

_it seems that i do_

_speaking of, if you have a free morning, want to go and grab a coffee?_

huh. that went a lot better than kyung had expected it to.

_well i could never turn down that offer. when and where?_

_how long does it take you to get to the mapo bridge?_

they eventually agree to meet at some place kyung has never heard of in half an hour, and kyung rushes to change into something other than what he was wearing the night before. after brushing his teeth and attempting to pat down his hair a little, he grabs his keys and leaves their dorm, dropping yukwon a text about his plans on the way.

_message from: yukwon hyung_

_let’s talk about this later, okay?_

_i trust you, kung ah, have fun_

he smiles, not worried about talking to yukwon, knowing that his hyung really is just wants him to be happy. if he can find the words, it will be easy to tell yukwon about this, it’s jiseok he’s a little more worried about. however, he dismisses that thought and tries to focus on not actually getting lost.

 

kyung eventually finds the coffee shop, not that it was particularly simple. jiho has clearly already got enough fame behind him to need to go out of his way to stay out of trouble, but is not famous enough to have the privilege of simply going out for coffee taken away from him.

he can’t see jiho when he enters, and his mind starts to tumble into the never ending pit of self-doubt he has. what if jiho realised he didn’t want to see kyung again? why would he? jiho is _famous_ and kyung is jus-

‘kyung ah, you made it’

a warm hand rests on his shoulder and he turns to look up at jiho, who is stood behind him. his hair is shorter and black, mostly hidden under a cap, and his voice is muffled my the face mask he wears. kyung can see him smiling, though, in the way the crinkles form under his small eyes. kyung can’t help but smile in return, and he thinks he can feel his ears starting to go red.

one of the baristas greets jiho, using his real name, then points to a table in the back of the shop, and gives him a thumbs up. kyung is unsure of whether it’s because jiho just comes here a lot, or made a reservation, but he is distracted by the hand falling into his own, fingers interlocking lightly, as jiho guides him forward. he likes how delicate jiho is with him, his touches always accompanied with the question ‘is this okay?’ by the lightness of his fingers, so that kyung always has the choice to say no.

not that kyung has any intention of saying no.

they order on their way to the table, both coffee, and sit down. jiho winds round the table so that he can pull kyung’s chair out for him, and kyung knows he’s blushing now. he sits, and then jiho makes his way back to the barista who passes him their drinks, then returns to the table and sits opposite kyung.

'so,'

jiho starts after taking a sip of his cappuccino,

'how have you been? it was so long ago since we last met'

kyung can't help but giggle, both because of how jiho is _trying_ to be funny, and because of the moustache of froth that sits on his upper lip. and once kyung starts, he can't stop. 

jiho looks a little dumbfounded, and when kyung finally stops laughing and looks back at him, he stutters and covers his mouth, looking down. he's sure that his laugh is ugly as hell, he's been told before, and jiho must be disgusted. 

a hand curls around his wrist and kyung looks up to see jiho shaking his head. 

'kyung ah, you're allowed to laugh. i was just surprised, i haven't seen you laugh before,'

he pauses, as if wondering whether he should continue,

'you should laugh more, kyung ah. you look really beautiful when you laugh'

kyung covers his face with his hands, and rests his elbows on the table, groaning. he must look like a fucking strawberry. 

'oh my god, hyung, you can't just say that'

he thinks he says it too quietly for jiho to hear, but the laughter tells him otherwise. 

'not that you're not beautiful when you're not laughing'

kyung groans _again_ and raises his head against his instinct, as his face somehow continues to heat up. jiho is going to be the death of him.

'there were a lot of negatives in that sentence'

it's all kyung can think to say in reply, trying to steer the conversation in a direction that might keep him vaguely sane. but, of course jiho isn't having that. 

'but you bring out the positive bits of me'

kyung might have screamed if he was alone, but instead he opts for kicking jiho under the table. in the process, he slides forward a little on his chair, leaning back, so that he can reach, and unfortunately, that just sets jiho off again,

'you're so tiny, oh my god'

he says it almost as an afterthought, quiet and low, and now kyung _has_ really had enough. they are in a public place and the thoughts he associates with his size compared to jiho's will take him down a road he really cannot go down right now. instead, he finally points out jiho's new facial feature, and they both start laughing again. 

it's nice. really nice, as they move on to actually getting to know each other a little more, talking about kyung's studies and friends, and jiho's music and travel. they both lead very different lives, but lots of their interests match well, which is a relief to kyung. his throat feels raw from talking so much, and his cheeks hurt from smiling the whole time.

they end up staying a few hours in the cafe, until it's lunch time and a new barista comes over to tell jiho that they  _really need to get going, she has real, paying customers for goodness sake_. 

this also coincides with jiseok calling him, which kyung would never let ring out, he doesn't want to be the target of his hyung's anger. they talk as jiho leads him out of the cafe, once again dawning the cap and face mask. 

kyung hangs up as they’re about to walk out the door, having agreed to meet jiseok an hour later, but is quickly pushed back into the shop. 

'put these on, kyung ah'

an order from jiho seems to be a rare thing, so he complies, although a little confused, quickly slipping the red cap, some shades and black face mask on. it really does make them look like a couple, with jiho now holding his hand tightly as they exit again, and kyung realises the reason for his new attire in an instant. 

fan sites. probably about ten photographers stand outside, which apparently shocks him as much as it did jiho. he knew that zico was known as an underground rapper, but didn't guess that he had that much main stream popularity. 

it's unfortunate that they both walked to the cafe, because their only escape is to run, hand in hand, followed by the continuous flashing of cameras and screams of zico's name. 

it's a little surreal, and not how kyung had pictured today would go at all. eventually, they create enough distance that they can duck into a narrow alley before anyone has turned the last corner.

the alley is  _really_  tight, and a complete dead end, so they're honestly screwed if anyone finds them. it kind of reminds kyung of the night before, lungs burning, jiho holding him close. but this time, jiho too is breathing rapidly, staring down at kyung, smiling with his eyes as he holds him close. kyung has no clue where his shades have gone, but they're no longer on his face, and he assumes they fell off whilst running. jiho reaches up to remove his cap, brushes his hand through his hair, then takes off kyung’s too, discarding both on the floor.

kyung is a little squashed, arms bent and held to his chest, as he rests his head in the middle of jiho's chest. he feels a light kiss pressed to the top of his head, and giggles a little. 

when he looks up again, though, jiho looks a little more serious, and it makes kyung go rigid with worry. 

'hyung?'

his voice is muffled yet still clearly sounds confused, and jiho pulls his own mask down, before lowering his head so that their foreheads touch, and whispers,

'you know that this is nothing compared to what i'll get if i'm successful at what i love doing, right?'

kyung furrows his brows, and cocks his head a little. jiho continues,

'life with me in it will be chaotic, you'll have to hide whenever your with me if you want any privacy at all. you get that, right, kyung ah?'

kyung is a little unsure where jiho is going with this, so much so that it almost doesn't click that jiho is pretty much telling kyung he wants to continue seeing him, somehow. 

he must look really confused, because jiho sighs, and brings one hand up to the side of his kyung's face. 

'i'm going to make a few assumptions, okay? so correct me if i'm wrong,'

he looks down, clears his throat, then continues a little louder,

'i really want to keep seeing you, kyung ah. in the last few hours, god, even last night, i've been smiling so much more than i normally do. i don't understand how i've only known you for a day because it feels like so much longer, and i don't think i've ever thought that before. i… i really like you, kyung, maybe a little too much already'

kyung is immensely happy that he's not the only one of them infatuated with the other. but he also hears the uncertainty in jiho's voice, and nods a little to spur him on. 

'but we  _have_  only known each other a day. and before, _if_ we go anywhere with... this, i want you to fully trust me, okay? to know the best and worst and everything in between'

kyung nods again. he is still completely awestruck at the confirmation that jiho actually feels something for him. kyung has told him nothing of his past relationships, and yet jiho is already setting things up in a way that is so different to before, is meant to last, and is meant to make both of them feel happy. it's thrilling to think about, but at the same time, almost seems too good to be true. 

‘because i don’t want to drag you down with me if i can help it. this lifestyle was my choice, not yours, and you deserve to live with privacy when you want it’

the thought that jiho can see his old life slipping away from him makes kyung a little sad, even if he didn’t know jiho then. jiho gently moves a strand of hair from kyung’s face, and the expression on his face is so unfamiliar that kyung wonders how he’d ever thought someone had liked him like this before. because jiho’s breathing is still a little fast, his pupils dilated, and he can’t take his eyes off kyung, and kyung just _knows_.

it’s so strange, so different, being able to tell like this. kyung has to remind himself that he _is_ good at reading people, no matter what’s happened before, and he can read jiho like an open book. he thinks it must be right that he’s in jiho’s arms, because the signs he’s been reading into are all subtle and involuntary, not ridiculous flirtatious remarks, moving hands to areas just a little too beyond safe for kyung’s liking.

and kyung finds himself wanting to tell jiho everything he’s been through, to thank him for the way he’s making him feel safe. but right now, jiho is the one telling and kyung wants to listen more than anything.

‘i’m leaving tomorrow’

well, this is news to kyung, and his breath hitches a little.

‘i’ve got a flight at seven in the morning, to china, where i’m starting my first album with some big people. i have been waiting for this for years, kyung, but god, you make me want to stay’

jiho kind of looks like he’s about to cry, which is _odd_ , because it perfectly mirrors what kyung is feeling. he knows he’s going to get an earful from jiseok later about all of this, but right now, noting but him and jiho exist, the rest of the world has fallen away and his vision tunnelled. he maps out the curves of jiho’s face, the angle at which his hair falls, how his eyes fall shut each time he blinks, just because he can.

‘but i have to go. it’s my dream, something i’ve spent so long working for but i don’t want to let you go. i just need to know, will you wait for me?’

how can kyung say anything but no? the waves of affection rolling off jiho make him dizzy, and he’s glad for the tight grip jiho has on him, one hand on his face and the other now on his hip. he takes a deep breath, and nods, a small smile growing on his face.

jiho sighs in relief and laughs.

‘we’re going to do this right, kyung ah. i promise, if you believe in me, we can make this work’

they’re literally the definition of zero to one hundred real quick, and kyung laughs again as he nods more enthusiastically. there’s a determination to jiho, a fire that he wouldn’t dare be the one to put out, and kyung is almost excited to see if he hears it in zico’s music. he hesitantly brings one hand up and presses the palm to jiho’s shoulder, grabbing his shirt, as if to check that this is all real.

kyung had always hated silence, felt that it meant he was doing something wrong and needed to talk in case whoever he was with was uncomfortable. here, though, he feels completely at ease just standing with jiho, only the sound of the wind and far off cars and voices to accompany them.

he can tell that jiho wants to kiss him. the blatant way his gaze falls, then quickly shifts back to kyung’s eyes makes him feel jittery, the butterflies in his stomach going mad. but he knows that jiho will wait, because he doesn’t want kyung to feel obliged to anything, and he is so thankful. he knows that if they sealed the deal now, it wouldn’t work, it would remind him too much of before, and he doesn’t want that, ever.

kyung knows they both need to leave, he has to meet jiseok, and assumes that jiho has his own plans, and is probably busy in preparation for leaving tomorrow. he probably wont get to text jiho properly until much later, if at all today.

when they part ways, jiho insisting that kyung keep the hat and mask, he leans and drops a chaste kiss to kyung’s cheek, just for good measure.

the giddy smile kyung sees as jiho walks away is something he commits to memory.

 

kyung finds himself really nervous as he approaches the forensics building. he has no reason to be, he just won’t know how jiseok will react. his hyung honestly means the world to him, and kyung really wants them to be on the same side on this.

it wasn’t easy becoming close with jiseok in the first place. midway through his first term last year, kyung had been asked by one of his math tutors is he fancied solving problems with a team on a weekly basis, and of course he said yes. kyung had always been a social being by nature, and he really enjoyed acquiring more friends, so took the opportunity without looking back.

it was a little different to how he had anticipated. quiz club, or the ‘problematic men’ as hyunmoo had dubbed them, spent a few hours a week practicing problems for the nation wide teacher-student puzzle championships, and had lost their only student member to his band, or something. so in came kyung, all bright eyed and ready to put in his all, only to be placed next to one of the coldest people he had met in a long time.

jiseok was nice enough in sessions, don’t get him wrong, ignoring the fact that he _always_ brought up their past member namjoon and how much he missed him. but the minute their three hour practice was over and they were free to go, he never spoke a word to kyung. it pissed him off, yet he saw it as a challenge.

six months later and kyung had barely made any progress. his hyung, or jiseok ssi as he had started to refer to him in person, was still as stand offish as ever. the rest of the team had his back now, and he found himself sitting in on tyler’s linguistics lectures whenever he could, or helping with seokjin’s mech experiments when his hyung looked particularly tired. he frequented jangwon’s office to discuss their latest ideas for songs, and often helped out with the campus radio show that hyunmoo ran. but if he ever saw jiseok out of practice, he was met with either an expressionless glance or no acknowledgement at all.

it all came to a head one evening when kyung was late, _so fucking late_ , and all because of some stupid tweet he’d seen about abuse, and it rang so true to kyung that before he knew it, it was half an hour later and he realised he’d blacked out and he was _so late_.

running hadn’t been the best plan, as his sobbing made it even harder to breathe and kyung couldn’t move, slouched against the walls of the building he was meant to be in right now, and he panicked even more. they had their first round of competition the following week and kyung couldn’t afford to slip up and look like an idiot and lets them all down, because he already _knew_ he had and now he was _late_ and-

‘kyung ah, come on, breathe with me’

everything sounded fuzzy as his hands were brought to someone’s warm chest, and he could feel them breathing, but he couldn’t focus on it, it was all just _too much_ and he tried to push them away and curl in on himself.

‘kyung, stop this, breathe with hyung’

he couldn’t, he couldn’t, _he couldn’t,_ and he was shaking and _still crying_ , dizzy and tired and just wanted everything to stop, _please._

‘yes you can, hyung believes in you’

his now shaking hands were again brought back to feel the rise and fall of the guy’s chest, and the thumbs on his cheeks brushing away his tears were so gentle that his was genuinely astounded when he looked up and realised that it was _jiseok of all people_ trying to calm him down.

the shock must have been a good thing, because the requests to breathe were soon replaced with praise for doing so, and kyung was so tired that he slumped forward into his hyung’s arms.

a few hours later he woke up on a strange bed, covers wrapped tightly around him, with jiseok pacing around the room on the phone, looking concerned. kyung’s first thought was to panic again because _he must’ve missed practice_ , but jiseok was quickly at his side, extinguishing the thought.

eventually, when jiseok had asked what was wrong, why he had found kyung like that, kyung, didn’t think for once, and just started to talk. he told jiseok everything from how he had met someone during his time in new zealand, the only other person who spoke korean, to how he fell for the guy, slowly but surely, only to be treated like dirt for over a year. he explained how the guy had always said ‘i’m your hyung, kyung ah, you have to do what i say’ and because kyung was so out of his depth abroad and _so scared_ , he did anything he was ordered, and everything had spiralled out of control from there. the guy was always seemed so sweet in public, speaking what appeared to be softly to him in Korean, but his words were harsh, cutting into kyung anywhere they could find an opening, and yet no one could ever see it. kyung finally started sobbing again as he recalled the ‘break up’, which was more kyung getting thrown around his dorm, called worthless, then completely abandoned.

at this point, jiseok was crying too, having realised how awful he had been in the way he had treated kyung and he apologised over and over. he called hyunmoo back, and explained the whole situation in as vague terms as possible, which kyung was infinitely thankful for.

he fell asleep again like that, wrapped in his hyung’s arms, the both of them too emotionally exhausted to move.

and now, as kyung knocks at jiseok’s office, three times, pause, once, pause, twice, and lets himself in, he reminds himself of how they got here, how much jiseok _does_ care about him and only want the best for kyung. and also thinks about how weird it is that he’s made multiple friends over having panic attacks, of all things.

‘hey, hyung’

he drapes himself on the sofa, across from jiseok who is sitting at his desk writing an extremely long looking paper, and kyung buries his face a cushion as he waits for his hyung to finish, muffling his laughter at his hyung’s exasperated sigh.

‘you really do manage to terrify me sometimes, kyung ah’

kyung smirks, tucking the cushion behind his head.

‘its all part of my charm, hyung’

jiseok glares at him and tuts, pushing his glasses up his nose.

‘i don’t appreciate getting a call from taeil halfway through a faculty dinner because he thinks you’re half dead in an alley somewhere and can’t find you’

okay, maybe kyung does feel a little bad about that. but he knows that jiseok knows that, so tries to avoid talking too much about it. jiseok will understand that, too.

‘i like to keep you on your toes, hyung. don’t want you getting old too quickly’

‘wow, you really are something, kyung ah’

there’s a slight pause, jiseok still typing, and kyung wondering how to continue. god, he’s always sucked with words.

‘i guess you’re not so special now, hyung, since i know an actual famous person’

it’s a weak attempt to try and start the conversation, but jiseok will take it. he saves his paper, and stalks over to the sofa, shaking his head. if kyung is in the mood to talk, jiseok is not going to stop him. kyung lifts his head and moves the cushion to give jiseok room to sit down, then leans back to rest on his thighs, as his hyung plays with his ear.

‘somehow, i’m unsurprised that you of all people managed to meet a pop star’

kyung smiles and looks up, happy that his hyung doesn’t mind filling in the gaps for him, already knowing where he’d wanted this conversation to go. when they have something more serious to talk about, they both like to get it over and done with, even if kyung is awful at starting in the first place. and plus, how could he _not_ smile when thinking about jiho, even if what they’re bound to talk about makes kyung feel nervous.

‘i went out for coffee with him this morning’

jiseok is a little surprised, but only raises his eyebrows in acknowledgement.

‘hyung, i really like him’

this is the part where jiseok’s hand stills for a moment as he thinks, then threads it into kyung’s hair, as he comments,

‘you’ve only known him a day, kyung ah,’

kyung nods, glad they have the same concerns about the whole situation.

‘and being a celebrity is hard, let alone dating one’

oh, so they really _are_ on the same page with this. kyung knows that jiseok has a few years of his own fame behind him, before he chose to settle down and teach, so it was probably more than a good idea to talk to him about it first.

‘we’re not dating yet hyung, i’m not that stupid’

the look jiseok throws him says that he catches the ‘yet’, but lets it go.

‘i never thought you were, kyungie, i know you will have thought about this a lot’

and he has, all the way to and from the coffee shop, he’s imagined every way they could succeed and fail, so many endless possibilities.

‘does he remind you of anyone?’

it’s funny how jiseok can almost read kyung’s mind. he’s quiet for a moment, wondering how to word what he wants to say.

‘in some ways, yes. he’s older, seems to know what he’s doing a lot more than i do, and i know it’s fast but it’s not the same, i can already tell. he’s careful, checks if things are okay with me, and i speak informally to him already. and he wants this to work, wants me to trust him before we try anything, and he told me that straight up. he’s really great, hyung’

at this, jiseok smiles. not only because kyung is _talking_ , but because jiho does sound like the kind of person kyung needs, the kind of person he deserves, and kyung seems so sure of himself for once that it’s refreshing. but he also sees that kyung thinks he is escaping his past in an instant, that somehow jiho has cured his mind of any evil thoughts but jiseok knows that kyung is still broken, no matter what he thinks. a new relationship would be good for kyung, but only if he expects to be tackle the hurdles from his past, hopefully with jiho and the rest of them by his side.

no matter how much jiseok wants to tell kyung all this, he knows it won’t help. he’ll be met with resistance and denial, kyung immediately shutting down the conversation and he can’t have that, not when kyung is lying on him and actually _wants_ to talk about this. and kyung looks so happy, so content, and jiseok wouldn’t dare ruin that. so he saves those thoughts, prepared for when kyung thinks them for himself, and notes that he needs to ring yukwon later. he’s sure kyung already plans to talk to him, but it would be helpful if everyone was in the same loop.

‘well before you even think about starting to date him, i need to meet him’

kyung laughs, having expected this fairly soon.

‘is that because you want to make sure he’s not a creep or because he’s gonna be more famous than you ever were?’

he laughs even harder when jiseok almost pushes him off the sofa.

 

practice goes well, everyone in high spirits after their win last week and kyung is riding on the high all the way through his math lecture, which doesn’t bore him to tears for once.

as he’s leaving, he sees yukwon waiting for him outside, sipping an ice coffee held in one hand, and has a steaming hot one held in the other. kyung would try and scare him, it’s the perfect set up, but he has _coffee,_ so lets him off.

instead, he stands on his toes directly behind him and blows on yukwon’s neck, laughing when he yelps.

‘you really will be the death of me, kyung ah’

he really does seem very good at evoking that sentiment from people. he bursts into laughter again, throwing his head back, and yukwon hands him the coffee and drapes one arm over kyung’s shoulders as they walk back to the car.

as they walk, yukwon orders them takeout so that it will arrive at almost the same time they do, kyung’s idea, and then complains about how he’s never giving jaehyo a lift again, but kyung knows he probably will tomorrow morning. it’s quite useful having a friend with means of transport, and kyung remembers how long it took yukwon to save up for this car, refusing to take any money from his parents, and kyung can’t help but still be proud of him for it.

they get back perfectly coinciding with the delivery, kyung wonders why anyone ever doubts him, and they both crash on the sofa, television on in the background, stuffing fresh pizza into their mouths. kyung is so content, feels the best he has in months, if he’s honest, and doesn’t realise he’s smiling softly to himself until yukwon laughs, fondness clear in his eyes.

‘good day then, kyung ah?’

kyung’s smile grows, and he ducks his head, nodding. he tells yukwon everything that had happened since they parted in the morning, even if he is kind of emotionally exhausted already. and yukwon just listens, nodding and humming at all the right movements as kyung waves his hands around and it makes yukwon so happy to see kyung like this, warm and confident and _happy_. he’ll have to thank jiho in person someday if he keeps this up, because this kyung is the same as before new zealand, before they’d lost him without even realising until it was too late.

the thing is, kyung had always been good at secrets, he just never normally felt the _need_ to keep them. yukwon knows that kyung has always known how to play his friends, what they would believe if he said things in a certain tone of voice, and what signs would alert them to him lying in some way. he sometimes thinks that kyung is too smart for his own good in the way he reads people, something he used to use to get away with mischief and now just uses to make sure he’s not upsetting anyone, and that no one will get angry at him.

_caution._ it was something he hadn’t ever associated with kyung, and even now, when kyung is talking so animated to yukwon about his day, he still sees the unguarded, relaxed kid he’s known forever. but yukwon knows it’s there with the others, maybe not so much with jiseok, but even _jaehyo_ had come to ask what was wrong with kyung a few weeks into his first term at uni with them, if he was settling in alright. to this day, it broke yukwon’s heart, and he had vowed to himself that he would break the nose of the guy who broke kyung if he ever met him.

kyung is almost breathless when he finishes, and looks genuinely exhausted, eyelids drooping as he sinks into the back for the sofa, head on yukwon’s shoulder. he’s been talking so much since he met with jiho earlier that his throat is starting to feel sore. he looks up, pausing before he asks,

‘hyung, do you think i should wait for him?’

in kyung’s mind, his hyungs fall into two clear cut categories. there’s jiseok, who he goes to for approval, when he knows he wants to do, or not do, something, and needs reassurance that he’s doing good, brilliantly, although he always gets his confirmation in the most sarcastic way possible. but if he needs advice, he goes to the psych major, not necessarily for answers, but to help him clear his head and sort out his thoughts. yukwon had pretty much been born to go into psychology, patient and kind, but always especially so with kyung. he revels in knowing that he’s the only person who yukwon sits with just like this, a hand in his hair, considering his problems extra carefully, before answering.

‘i do, and i think you already know you’re going to’

and he does. it was really a rhetorical question, but kyung needed this answer without him guiding yukwon towards it.

he nods, and they drift into silence as kyung reassesses the situation from a slightly clearer view. giddy, he pulls out his phone to text jiho, and is surprised to already have a text from him waiting.

_message from: jiho hyung♡_

_i’m in china for 3 months, but after that i’m coming straight back to seoul_

_even if you don’t want to go ahead with this, i still want to be your friend, kyung ah_

_i hope you had a great day – i sure did_

kyung doesn’t even bother to hid the texts from yukwon, who places a kiss on the crown of his head, before turning back to the tv. neither of them are touchy with very many people, at least kyung isn’t _now_ , but yukwon has always been soft for kyung. kyung rereads the texts, and considers how best to put his thoughts into words.

_message to: jiho hyung_ ♡

_i’ll wait, hyung, i will_

_have a safe flight_

_miss you already_

you’ve known him less than a day, _less than a day._ kyung tries to drum the fact into his mind, and fails miserably. he puts his phone on yukwon’s leg, hoping he’ll get the message to put it on charge because kyung is far too tired to do so himself. _it really has been the best day_ , is kyung’s last thought as he drifts off, a smile on his face.

 

_message from: jiho hyung♡_

_me too, kyung ah_

_sleep well, i’ll message you when i arrive_

the first problem the run into, kyung realises, is that kakao talk is fucking _blocked_ in china. he’d worked out that jiho would arrive at about nine thirty korean time, but isn’t bothered at the lack of communication. he’s probably tired, having mentioned that he hates flying.

he suddenly realises a few hours later, when he remembers having to download wechat to talk to minhyuk while he was on holiday a few years prior, and kicks himself for being such an idiot. luckily, jiho included his skype on his kakao id, and he’s online, _thank god,_ when kyung tries to add him.

‘i am so lucky that you’re smart, kyung ah, i never even thought about not being able to use kakao’

kyung blushes, and laughs because jiho looks so _genuinely sorry,_ even through the awful webcam on his laptop. he also looks exhausted, as kyung suspected he would be, even though one hours’ time difference isn’t very dramatic. jiho does have a few hours to rest, however, so kyung pretty much forces him off skype to make him sleep, but only after making sure they can both talk on wechat.

most of his day is uneventful after that, given that jaehyo storming into their apartment and demanding kyung return a laptop he never took is pretty normal for him.

he does hear from jiho, although much later, when kyung is trying to sleep because he has a nine am lecture the next morning.

_message from: jiho hyung_ ♡

_this studio is amazing, kyung ah_

_i’m sure you would love it_

attached is a picture of a fully kitted out studio, filled with what kyung knows to be both the latest and most expensive recording equipment. jiho is standing behind the glass, with headphones round his neck, looking ecstatic, mid laugh when the photo was taken. it makes kyung smile, because he knows that this isn’t on any of zico’s social media (not that he has zico on notifications on every platform he could think of, or anything).

photos like this, little snippets of whatever jiho is doing, who he’s working with, stuff he’s probably not allowed to show kyung, are the things he receives over text, with kyung always replying with awe or amazement. most of their actual, proper communication continues over skype, and with even jiho’s messy work schedule and unpredictable colleagues, and kyung’s all together fucked up sleep schedule due to the lack of it he gets, they somehow make it work.

their conversation topics might seem a little random at first glance, put kyung can see himself drawing more detail into the picture he has of jiho every time they talk. jiho is so open to him, scars and all, and even if they haven’t touched on anything too dark and depressing from either of their pasts, kyung thinks that jiho would tell him in a heartbeat. it makes kyung’s head fuzzy, the admiration he feels for jiho, who is following his dream and doesn’t spare a second for anyone who will deny it from him. if kyung had that, maybe he would have made his way into the music world too, and met jiho that way, in another life.

it’s strange, how meeting someone can change you, just reading a few lines of text they’ve sent can make you calm. his friends definitely start to notice that something’s different, in the way the he talks more, uses his hands to express his emotions and smiles with his eyes. kyung has always been a little oblivious to how closely his friends pay attention to him, and is totally oblivious to the smiles they all seem to wear constantly now, because he’s acting like himself before new zealand, before everything that his friends don’t know about but can make guesses from the death glares they get from yukwon any time the subject is breached. half the time, kyung is talking about how great jiho is and now zico’s album is going to be fantastic, but it doesn’t really matter. kyung is being _kyung_ again, and no matter what jiho’s music abilities were, they all admire him for somehow helping the smart ass, annoying, know it all kyung to start coming back into their lives.

they’re all cramming for midterms, stuffed into one corner of the library when kyung yawns, stretching his arms above his head and falls into jihoon’s side. jihoon nearly yelps, completely taken aback by the fact that _kyung is touching him what the fuck this hasn’t happened in years._ he looks up from kyung, who’s eyes are shut, to look at his hyungs, who all look equally stunned, even yukwon who normally takes this all in stride. but, with an aim not to jog kyung out of his peaceful state, they all share a look, acknowledge what is happening, and continue working. kyung wakes up an hour or so later, bemused as to why his friends are all smiling so much.

 

if kyung had managed to develop a ridiculous crush within just a day of knowing jiho, then he’s head over heels for him by the time three months is nearing. even yukwon has asked him, kindly of course, to shut up about jiho at one point, and don’t get him started on how much it has clearly annoyed jiseok. but kyung is so _excited_ , not only because the three month mark means he can see jiho again, _finally_ , but also because he’s excited for zico’s first album release. kyung has, of course, heard every track, and loves each and every one of them. he tells jiho this every chance he gets, and whenever he gets doubts about how the album will do, kyung is there to pick him up and dust him off.

and of course, the album is a huge success. they actually both end up crying over the phone the night after the release, neither of them really able to say anything understandable to the other. kyung can’t help but laugh at the same time, so goddamn happy because jiho deserves this, kyung hadn’t had a doubt that the album would do well, but a few days in, sales are exceeding even _his_ expectations. he feels so happy that he could burst.

on the other hand, it means that jiho is suddenly even busier than before. and then jiho _can’t_ come back to seoul, because zico is being flown around the rest of korea for reality shows, and just being big news in general.

kyung had started to think like that, separating jiho whom he talks to over skype or kakao talk, who makes him blush, or laugh for a half hour straight, and zico, the rapper who came from nowhere with all the confidence in the world and everyone he speaks to wrapped around his little finger.

kyung often reads the articles about zico when he can’t sleep, most of them being the type to detail who zico is, five facts you should know about zico, or three celebrities who have already said how much they love his album. there always comes a point where he wants to scream that no, that’s not jiho’s favourite colour, or that’s not why jiho wanted the album art to be like that, and it makes him feel a little more sane thinking of zico as an almost stranger.

when he tells jiho this one evening, however, he’s met with hesitation, and then a firm tone,

‘kyung, you really shouldn’t think of it like that’

there’s something that jiho isn’t telling him, that he wants to say. kyung can hear it clearly in his voice, in the way he clears his throat after. and kyung wants to pry, ask what he’s done wrong, how he can fix it, but finds himself lost for words. jiho, forever his saviour, continues, his voice more gentle this time.

‘i don’t really have time to tell you why right now, but kyung ah, please don’t separate us in your head. it’s still me doing the things that zico makes headlines for, you can’t forget that’

that should calm him, but it’s the first time kyung is really caught off guard by jiho. he’d expected laughter or some amused response but not _this_ , whatever this was. it’s gone three in the morning by the time he stops going in circles in his mind, and manages to think with enough common sense to decide to go into yukwon’s room, his hyung’s presence always managing to calm him enough to sleep.

yukwon is, of course, asleep, like a normal university student with an exam the next day should be in the early hours of the morning, and kyung tries his best not to wake him. he fails, as per usual on the occasions he goes to his hyung, but yukwon doesn’t miss a beat as he pulls kyung close to his chest and strokes his hair until he falls asleep.

they talk briefly in the morning, more yukwon forcing what little he can out of kyung whilst trying to get ready for his exam with jaehyo waiting impatiently in the other room. kyung says barely anything, but implies enough that yukwon advises him to not think about whatever it is, and to actually tell jiho what’s worrying him.

kyung is a little embarrassed that he hadn’t thought of doing that himself, but jiho still isn’t here, and kyung has no clue when he’ll come back, so all he can do is try to keep the though at bay, though fails miserably. it makes him jittery all morning, the thought that he’d made jiho _mad_ keeps him distracted all through his exam. he finally manages to let go of the breath he had been holding when gets a message from jiho as he’s making himself lunch.

_message from: jiho hyung_ ♡

_are you home from your exam yet?_

a little confused, he replies a quick _yep_ , before finishing off preparing his meal and sitting down, so that he can talk to jiho properly. he can’t tell from that if he’s mad, but it seems a little curt for jiho, who normally at least names kyung in his messages. he drums his nails on the table as he waits for the reply from jiho. he doesn’t anticipate the knocking at the front door to interrupt his plans. reluctantly, he moves to open it, not really caring that he had changed back into his pyjamas, whoever it was would have to deal.

he really does not expect it to be jiho, there in person, looking more exhausted than the cameras had ever let on, but he’s _there._

they’re each holding things, kyung his lunch, and jiho some heavy looking bags, but both drop everything in an instant to reach out and be close to the other for the first time in what became nearly four months, and _god,_ how kyung had missed jiho.

they stand in the same position they have been in several times before, jiho with his arms tight around kyung’s shoulders and kyung’s head resting on jiho’s chest. he can feel jiho’s rapid breathing and realises he must have run up the stairs to get to him, and he can’t help but laugh. they really are something, acting like long lost lovers rather than maybe-more-than-friends who had met only twice before now.

all that kyung wants to do is stay like that, enclosed in jiho’s embrace and safe from the world, but he knows the longer they stand in the doorway, the more likely it is that someone will walk past and recognise jiho. kyung had done a good job in making sure that his friends spread zico’s album all over campus, so much so than anyone who finds them will almost certainly recognise zico. so he pulls back, refusing to look jiho in the eyes because he knows he won’t be able to focus if he does, and picks up the bags, kicking his plate inside as he lugs jiho’s stuff through the door.

he turns back to see jiho still standing there, looking a little lost, and kyung laughs, and waves for jiho to come inside. once they are both out of sight of anyone but possibly yukwon if he turns up early, jiho returns them to their previous position as kyung explains his actions. it’s entirely worth it, because he gets to see jiho’s face as he reacts, and he really does look like he adores kyung.

eventually, they clear up the spilled lunch, not that kyung was really hungry anyway, and because jiho really does look like he’s half asleep already, kyung leads him to his bedroom. nothing other than sleep crosses his mind as they fall onto kyung’s bed, still wrapped in each other, and are both asleep within a minute.

 

the first thing that kyung thinks when he wakes up is _crap_ , _i’ve probably missed that lecture i was meant to go to_ , and then _oh, jiho’s here_. he turns over to face the owner of the arms still wrapped around him, and smiles when he’s met with jiho’s sleeping face. he already looks less tired, and so peaceful, that kyung tries to keep as still as he can so as not to wake him. it doesn’t work, of course, because when kyung sneezes it shakes jiho awake. he looks dazed at first, which makes kyung smile, but then he just looks stunned, because kyung is right _there, right in front of him, finally._ jiho gently brushes the hair out of kyung’s face and then rests his hand on his cheek, before finally speaking to kyung in person for the first time in too long.

‘hey, kyung ah’

all kyung can think to reply is a quiet ‘hi’, and they simultaneously dissolve into laughter.

‘when did you get sick and not say anything, huh?’

jiho looks concerned now, his brows furrowing as he moves his thumb up and down kyung’s cheek bone.

‘it’s nothing, just hay fever’

it’s strange to think that it’s summer now, when they had met at the end of winter, when the wind was cold and the evenings dark. now, it’s probably approaching eight pm, and kyung can still see light streaming through his bedroom window, lighting jiho’s face in a way that reminds him of the night they met.

it’s perfect, _so perfect_ , and jiho’s _actually there,_ and-

‘hey, kyung, tell him the thing!’

so yukwon’s home.

confusion graces jiho’s features again as kyung groans, cursing yukwon for being so sneaky. because now he has to tell jiho, right here, which is probably for the best, no matter how much kyung doesn’t want to. he gulps, before trying to start,

‘ah, yeah, that. right, um,’

it’s a blessing that jiho is so patient with him, still brushing his cheek and though he looks more serious now, his expression is now gentle in a way that makes kyung want to kiss him more than anything. but instead, he clears his throat, and tries again.

‘it’s just, you know that thing i told you? about separating out you and zico in my head and you told me not to? i just, i can’t work out what i did wrong, and you sounded mad and like you didn’t want to talk about it, and i didn’t want to upset you, so i didn’t ask, and-‘

it’s a good thing that jiho stops him rambling, putting a finger over his lips and looking him straight in the eyes, but his expression is still confused, and that makes kyung feel even _worse_ , like he’s made a big deal out of nothing.

‘you thought i was mad?’

kyung hesitates, frowns before nodding, a little lost as to why jiho is asking.

‘oh my god, kyung, i was never mad, i- i’m sorry i made you feel like you couldn’t ask, you can always ask me, kyung ah, and the worst outcome is that i would tell you i didn’t want to answer right away. but i never, ever want you to be scared to ask’

jiho has shifted so as to pull kyung onto his shoulder, arm around him, and his other hand intertwined with kyung’s, rubbing circles in the join between this finger and thumb. suddenly kyung doesn’t know why he was afraid to ask, this is jiho for crying out loud, someone who has kept to his word over anything and everything since they met.

‘okay, hyung’

he wants to leave it at that, to not ask the next question or to just wait for jiho to explain by himself, but he also wants to trust jiho so much, so he curls his hidden hand into a fist, nails digging into his palm, tells himself _get it together_ , and asks.

‘why did you tell me not to, hyung?’

kyung knows he’s made the right choice when he looks up and sees jiho face proudly staring back at him. he almost forgets that he was upset, and really does want the answer to this, but then jiho starts to talk as kyung continues to stare.

‘when i lived in japan, i had this friend who was dating a celebrity. and they were happy, they really were when they were together. but whenever she was shooting or doing press, and there was a scandal, i’d always ask him what he thought, and he’d always tell me that it wasn’t her, that he didn’t even think of the stage version and the real version of her as the same person. it pretty much meant that he refused to acknowledge her cheating on him several times, even though there was so much evidence against her, he would always go back and say nothing.

‘i don’t want that to be us, kyung ah. i’m not saying i’ll ever cheat on you, because i will have lost my mind if i ever do, but i want you to hold me responsible for everything i do, both as jiho and as zico. it’s still me up there on stage, in front of the camera, i’m just wearing a mask for all that. i need to be held to everything i do by the people who matter to me most, and that includes you, kyung’

kyung is kind of stunned, if he’s honest. he completely agrees with jiho’s reasoning, as he was sure he would, but that’s not what gets him. it’s that jiho has basically said that they’re dating, and kyung doesn’t know if he should correct jiho, or even if he wants to.

luckily, jiho realises.

‘i don’t mean to imply that we’re actually dating yet, sorry. but that is a conversation we should have’

kyung hums, although honestly he’d rather not talk and just get on with kissing jiho like he’s wanted to for so long now. slowly, he tangles their legs together under the sheets, entirely innocently, and moves a little up the bed so that he and jiho are completely eye to eye without tilting their heads.

normally, kyung has kind of accepted, he relishes the feeling of being smaller than jiho, in every sense, but right now he’s got jiseok’s voice in his head, telling him that ‘literally looking down at someone is the easiest way to take away their power’, and although he knows that it’s not what jiho was doing, he finds himself more confident when they are literally at eye line with each other.

‘i really like you hyung’

the first bit is always the hardest, and continuing almost comes naturally.

‘i like you and i’ve missed you more than is fair for knowing each other for as little time as we have. and i know you’re famous, even more so now than when we last talked about this, but for you, i’d take on the world. i’m sure i’ll be able to handle a few fan sites’

watching jiho’s face light up the more he speaks has him reeling, and he doesn’t even realise he’d lent in towards jiho until their noses touch, and now he’s a little below jiho again. jiho laughs at kyung’s obvious surprise, and continues to stare when he says,

‘can i kiss you?’

kyung isn’t sure why in movies no one ever asks, because _holy hell_ he feels treasured right now, the softness in jiho’s voice clearing his mind of anything beyond them in this moment. and when kyung nods, smiling, nothing else matters but jiho curling one hand into his hair, the other on his chin, lifting it up as he moves in to finally join their lips.

jiho has complete control from the start, kyung pliant in his arms as he keeps pulling him closer, kyung’s hands rising to grip jiho’s shoulders. it starts out chaste, as if jiho thinks that kyung is so precious that he might break, but then kyung smiles into the kiss and something in jiho seems to snap, as if he didn’t have kyung’s permission all along, and he breaks the kiss as he rolls over until he’s hovering over kyung, hand still in his hair, knees either side of kyung’s slim hips. their only points of contact, however, remain above both their shoulders, and kyung could honestly cry thinking about how overwhelmingly contented he is in knowing that this is just kissing, it’s not going anywhere that kyung isn’t comfortable with yet and jiho is actually making sure he knows that.

jiho looks at kyung again, checking, always checking that he’s okay, god kyung is so lucky, and lowers his head at the sight of a small nod from kyung. it’s a little more intense this time, less testing out the waters, and more like jiho really wants to be doing nothing else but making kyung feel good like this. and boy does kyung feel good.

kyung sighs as jiho deepens the kiss further, nipping at kyung’s bottom lip as he slowly progresses, pressing kyung’s lips apart so that he can explore further into the parts of kyung he doesn’t know _yet_ , but so desperately wants to. kyung can’t help but let a soft moan escape him as jiho’s hand pulls slightly at his hair.

they break apart, not only because yukwon would probably hear them if they continued at this rate, kyung already moaning, if he hasn’t already, but also because they both know they have all the time in the world. right now though, they’re both starving from missing lunch, and still a little sleep deprived, and so jiho drops a kiss to the corner of kyung’s lips, and laughs as he blushes, shyly staring up at jiho.

when they finally make their way out of the bedroom to find food, hand in hand, yukwon is seated on the sofa reading, and puts his textbook down as they enter.

‘well it’s about time, i wasn’t sure if i was going to have to come and intervene, but it seems you’ve proved yourself to be a gentleman, woo jiho’

_oh my god, hyung_ is kyung’s only thought as he buries his head in jiho’s shoulder. his hyungs both laugh, before yukwon announces that he’s ordering in, and asks what dishes they’d like. when jiho remembers what he always orders, kyung doesn’t even bother trying to hide his ridiculously pleased smile. their over the phone takeaway nights have clearly been more than worth it.

 

jiho’s late return luckily coincides with the end of term for kyung, when he’s just about finished his mid-year exams, and his final week is almost entirely free, only his quiz commitments to make time for. jiho had turned up on a friday night, and they pretty much spend the entirety of the weekend lying in bed, jiho telling him about all the adventures he’s had over the last few months that he couldn’t fit in to their quick conversations and updates of his whereabouts.

kyung manages to catch jiseok on monday before practice, leaving jiho at home with yukwon which is almost certainly a bad idea, but kyung is so excited to tell jiseok that he doesn’t have to break jiho’s nose for being mad at kyung for no reason because he never was.

as kyung retells what jiho had told him, he can tell that his hyung is reluctantly warming to the guy, or at least starting to show his respect for him in regards to how he treats kyung. throughout practice, kyung catches him jiseok smiling at him when he’s explaining an answer, clapping louder than normal, and even being more sarcastic than he usually is, which is an achievement in itself. afterwards, he catches kyung’s arm as he leaves and pulls him into a hug, wordlessly. even though jiseok hadn’t known kyung before he went to new zealand, he’s seen glimpses of the real kyung who laughs shamelessly, demands attention without hesitation, and initiates skinship like it’s something so natural he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it half the time. and kyung relaxes, wraps his arms around his hyung’s waist because he thinks he gets what jiseok is trying to say, and he misses himself too.

by the end of the week, all his friends have seen jiho again, whether it be from him picking kyung up after one of the few lectures he has with jihoon, bringing him coffee when he’s studying with taeil and minhyuk, or carrying him home after he fell asleep on the way home from dinner, and jiho has to carry him back to the dorm, and face an overexcited jaehyo at the same time. it’s a hell of a week, and kyung really cannot stop himself from smiling constantly.

and then finally, it’s summer break, and jiho has to start filming _again_ , because one of his songs did particularly well, and so his company is forcing him to make another music video. it’s not the first time kyung has seen jiho have to contain his anger towards his company in the short time they’ve known each other, but when the call comes a week after jiho had turned up at his dorm, he’s fuming. kyung can only watch, trying to convey whatever calm he can by linking his fingers with jiho’s, and it seems to do a little at least. kyung is actually surprised it took them this long to demand jiho come back from his break, given how well the album is _still_ doing, and zico is hot news. it makes kyung even more proud, every time he sees zico in a headline, but by the look on jiho’s face when he hangs up, it’s probably best to save voicing that thought until later.

jiho sighs, pinches to bridge of his nose with his free hand before rubbing his eyes.

‘let’s take a walk, kyung ah’

it’s probably not the best idea, walking around campus hand in hand with jiho in only his mask, and kyung in the hat that jiho had given him months ago, but kyung guesses jiho is a little too pissed off to care right now. he’s said nothing since he left, but kyung can almost see the smoke coming out of his ears, and he takes a deep breath before asking,

‘do you want to talk about it, hyung?’

jiho lets out a choked burst of laughter, and sniffs. they make their way to sit under a nearby tree, the evening light filtering through the trees and highlighting jiho’s face so beautifully that kyung really wants to reach out and touch him. but jiho needs to rant about this, and kyung isn’t planning on doing anything to hold him back.

jiho stares at their tightly bound hands before he starts to talk.

‘it’s not even going back for the music video i’m mad about. i really don’t mind doing them, and it’s fun, i guess, seeing the image i want to put to a song come to life. the problem is my company… god, they treat me like complete crap, and i’m just so sick of it now. ever since i signed with them two years ago, they’ve treated me like nothing more than dirt, even worse than they treat any of the others, and no one’s exactly kind to them. i don’t even remember the last time they paid me’

jiho looks so desperate, so beaten and broken down that kyung just wants to wrap his arms around him and never let him go, shield him from the world that is giving him so much less than what he deserves. kyung really had no idea about how terribly his company treated him, but tries not to look too horrified as jiho continues.

‘i’m thinking of filing a lawsuit. they haven’t even paid my parents back my debut deposit, kyung ah, i don’t think i have any other option’

jiho is quieter now, less the while hot flame of anger he was a moment ago and more a gentle simmer, slumped against kyung, exhausted from letting it all out at once. he really hadn’t mentioned a word of any of it before, and kyung really hopes he had someone else to talk to but somehow doubts it. jiho may have a lot of friends, but they’re more like acquaintances, people he sees every now and again and that’s that. kyung may be one of the only ones to break through the surface of zico to actually get to know jiho, even if it doesn’t feel like he had to work hard for it.

kyung tries to imagine what yukwon would say about this. somehow it seems to help, putting himself in the shoes of someone who lives in other people’s minds on a daily basis, and he’s a little proud of the advice he voices.

‘i think you should be selfish for once, hyung. if you can see that all this is happening, then put a stop to it. just, think of it as another obstacle you have to break through on the way to success, because you’ve gotten so far already. don’t give up on yourself’

its true, jiho can be way too selfless for his own good. it’s in the both the little things, like how he sacrificed his own sleep at the chance to talk to kyung, and the big things, he’s mentioned how he always takes the forefront of any anger from his managers if anyone’s in trouble, no matter who they are, jiho makes sure the other people under his company are safe. kyung knows that he’s been slapped for doing it before, and yet jiho doesn’t even think about stopping it and protecting himself for once.

kyung’s advice seems to have hit home, because he can feel the tears soaking into his shirt and jiho shaking softly against him. kyung guides them backwards until their lying down, no space between them, as jiho mumbles into his shoulder.

‘i don’t know if i can do it, kyung ah. what if it goes wrong? i could lose everything’

‘if anyone can, it’s you, hyung. _we_ can do it’

and at that, jiho looks up at him, and though his eyes are red, he looks like kyung has just given him the world.

 

kyung did not realise how _stressful_ lawsuits were.

okay, maybe he had an idea, but this one is only background noise to him, and he’s already in awe at how jiho is still standing, and it’s only been two month. apparently, they can go on for _years_ , and that thought alone makes kyung want to sleep for a week straight.

jiho really has been handling it incredibly well. kyung knows he’s spared most of the gruesome details, but he has yet to see jiho break down and he is so proud. it’s a little annoying that most of it is happening over kyung’s summer, because he really gets no chance to see jiho once he leaves the morning after he’d made his decision, a fleeting kiss pressed to his cheek hidden by a tight hug, as the taxi driver beeps impatiently.

and suddenly, he’s wasted two month of his life either working or wondering if jiho’s okay, and he’s standing in his dorm again dreading the next week. yukwon isn’t there yet, so he thinks it’s alright to just lie on the floor and not do anything for a while. even if his family does live in seoul and it’s only half an hour to his dorm on the train, he hates making the journey, and is always exhausted after doing so. he drops jiho a text, as he’d promised, letting him know he’d arrived safely.

_message to: jiho hyung_ ♡

_just got in, kwon hyung is here too_

kyung thinks he hears the door open and footsteps coming towards him, but can’t be bothered to check. he definitely hears bags dropping to the floor and a grunt as yukwon lays next to him, slipping his hand into kyung’s.

‘same’

kyung snorts because yukwon also lives relatively close, and only had to drive fourty minutes to get their, but they’re both incredibly lazy, and very thankful they decided to come back on a friday, giving them a whole weekend to do very little, and just keep each other’s company for a bit. kyung only moves when his phone vibrates with jiho’s reply,

_message from: jiho hyung♡_

_good, and hey kwonnie_

_good break?_

kyung likes how jiho has slid seamlessly into his inner circle, instantly getting on well with yukwon and making almost as much effort as kyung had to get jiseok to like him. he nudges yukwon, barely having to move because he’s so close, who mutters a reply.

_he says it was okay, too much work to call it a break though_

_get some rest this weekend both of you!!_

_i don’t want to hear that either of you have collapsed until at least three weeks in okay_

they both laugh out loud at that, remembering jiho’s shock when it first happened, with yukwon simply walking into the dorm and crumpling to the floor as kyung continued to watch tv as if nothing had happened.

‘uh, kyung… did yukwon just collapse on the floor or am i seeing things?’

‘oh no he did, but this happens a lot, and i’m too weak to lift him like he does with me, so i normally just leave him there’

jiho actually took a double take at that.

‘wait, you collapse too?!’

yukwon eventually came to hearing the sound of jiho’s distressed voice, and somehow on a chair he had definitely not been aware enough to get himself into. he looked up to see kyung looking a little bemused as he watched his boyfriend, glancing at yukwon and shrugging. jiho soon noticed that yukwon was now alert, and continued to lecture both of them on getting proper sleep.

it was a good memory, not that he remembers much of what jiho had actually said, but he could clearly remember the fondness he felt for his boyfriend in that moment, having taken both him and yukwon into his life without question. it was a little annoying that now jiseok planned to make an effort to regularly check they were both getting enough sleep, but kyung knows they’ll both benefit from it in the future.

they end up not moving from the floor for a little over an hour, drifting in and out of consciousness, yukwon playing with kyung’s fingers, and kyung fiddling with the hem of yukwon’s sleeve. when they finally got hungry enough to motivate them to do something, they moved all of about five metres to the sofa and order take out.

they plan to spend most of that weekend in the same fashion, but yukwon does eventually have to go out, the third year actually having responsibilities he can’t ignore. it gives kyung the entire evening to himself, which he spends up on the roof of his dorm where he’s almost certain no one is allowed to be, but whatever. he’s always calmer out in the open, watching the sun set, and he can just about see the han river in the distance. the sounds of the city are all he has to keep him company, but he finds himself feeling content for once. he’s got plans to meet up with all his friends for lunch on monday, and there’s quiz practice too, so kyung is actually looking forward to starting the term.

that is, until he feels his phone vibrating and answers without looking, assuming it to be jiho for their usual evening chat, or yukwon telling kyung he’s doing to be late back.

what he doesn’t expect is the voice that does trickle down the line, like poison flowing into him and freezing every limb, catching his breath in this throat and strangling him with it.

‘well, i’m glad my intuition was right. i could only think of one park kyung who would manage to get seoul national to practically pay him to go to university, even if he is minoring in something as useless as music composition’

it can’t be him, he can’t have found kyung here, where he feels safe for once. kyung refuses to believe what he knows to be true, going as far as to ask,

‘who is this?’

the laughter he gets in return is as unsettling as nails on a chalkboard, and suddenly kyung wishes he wasn’t alone, on the roof where barely anyone would think to look for him. the summer breeze that once was is now a cold wind, biting at his bare arms that are now wrapped around his knees, drawn close to his chest.

‘kyung ah, don’t pretend you’ve forgotten me so easily. you know, it’s rude to talk to your hyung like tha-’

‘yoojin ssi, please don’t ever contact me again’

hanging up should feel like a victory, blocking the number should feel like a triumph, turning off his phone should feel like a mission accomplished. but kyung feels nothing as he robotically goes through the motions he had talked about with jiseok, be firm, stop him from getting to you again, and tell someo-

yukwon isn’t here, and almost certainly won’t pick up, so he calls jiseok, after turning his phone back on, unsure if he’s shaking from the cold or the shock.

‘hey, kyung ah, now really isn’t a great time, i’m helping with a case for the local police department and- hey, don’t put that there!’

kyung waits, knowing this is going nowhere, but the sound of jiseok tearing some lab assistant to shreds is somehow comforting.

‘-wait for me to finish here, okay, just- hey, kyung ah, i’m really sorry but can i call you back? i really need to finish this, it shouldn’t take too long, but-‘

‘hyung, it’s fine, don’t worry about it’

kyung is quite proud of how steady his voice sounds, knowing that even if jiseok is busy, he would practically stop the world from spinning so that he could check on kyung first.

‘thank you kyung ah, i’ll call you back later’

kyung knows he probably won’t, so turns his phone off again. investigations always overrun, and he probably won’t even see jiseok at practice tomorrow.

he also knows he really only has one other option, and that’s to tell jiho. he would talk to his other friends, to minhyuk maybe, but honestly the less people that he has to tell the better. its clear that he likes jiho enough that kyung will have to tell him all this some day, he just doesn’t know if he can right now.

that’s when the tears start to fall. he quickly dissolves into sobs, begging himself to breathe properly because no one is coming to save him this time, he’s all alone on the roof in the dark and cold.

it’s three hours later by the time he manages to pull himself together. his phone has been vibrating a lot in the last ten minutes and he assumes yukwon is back, finally. he pockets it, heading towards the fire escape and down to his dorm, hoping it’s not too obvious he’d been crying.

yukwon is already in bed, half asleep when kyung walks into his room, having not even considered sleeping on his own. he’s only confident enough to disturb his hyung after he got yelled at for not waking yukwon up and crying himself to sleep about a year ago. it’s not something he wants a repeat of.

he plugs both their phones in, taking yukwon’s from where he’d been holding it, waiting for a reply from kyung. turning off the light, kyung gets into bed and pulls the covers over both of them, yukwon automatically rolling over and encircling his arms around kyung’s waist, head resting on the back of kyung’s neck. it almost makes him want to cry again, seeing how tired his hyung is and feeling guilty for making him worry.

yukwon is already gone when kyung wakes the next morning after only two hours sleep. there’s a note leaning on a mug on the bedside table, addressed to kyung in yukwon’s messy scrawl:

_thank you for plugging in my phone kyung ah. i would call you a lifesaver if you hadn’t scared me to death last night – tell hyung if you’re going out please!! there’s fresh fruit in the fridge, and if you wake up at normal time, the coffee should be warm._

_i’m out all day again, but try and get some stuff done ready for monday if you can. text me when you wake up,_

_kwon_

kyung thinks it would have been quite easy to fall in love with yukwon, if things had been different. but growing up together meant that he was yukwon’s favourite dongsaeng, and kyung wouldn’t want it any different.

plus he has jiho now, and kyung is falling hard enough as it is.

on that thought, he grabs his phone as he sips the coffee, just the right temperature, and all the memories of the night before come flooding back.

he has two texts, and his respective feelings towards each couldn’t be more different.

_message from:_ _jiho hyung♡_

_tried to call you last night but i think your phone was off? either way, hope you sleep well, speak to you tomorrow, kyung ah_

_message from: unknown number_

_you know turning your phone back on means i can still track it, right? i thought you were smarter than that, kyung ah_

kyung hates, _hates_ , how they end the exact same way. it throws him off, and he’s not sure which to respond to first. he swipes on jiho’s message, determined not to let anyone, especially _yoojin_ of all people, make him put jiho second. he firsts texts yukwon a _thank you, hyung_ , before replying to jiho.

_message to:_ _jiho hyung_ ♡

_yeah, my phone was off, sorry hyung. text me when you can_

he leaves it at that, thinking that maybe he’ll be distracted enough just texting jiho. because he does feel like an idiot, he _should_ have thought about what yoojin had said about how he'd found kyung. it must have been in the university system, which is unsurprising considering yoojin is a computer science major, from what kyung remembers. that's one of the things he'd used to convince himself not to tell the others, given that jaehyo would go ballistic if he knew such an ass shared his major. 

kyung can feel the panic rising in his throat. jaehyo would be the most sensible person to ask what to do, how to completely block yoojin, but now he knows where kyung goes to uni, what he studies, and almost certainly _where he lives_ and it makes kyung sick to his stomach. 

god, he has to ask someone what to do. he's lost at sea, slowly drowning, but he doesn't know how to get back to safety. yukwon isn't here, jiseok is busy, and jiho-

he jumps, bashing his head on the wall as his phone starts ringing. _jiho._ kyung doesn’t know whether to be relieved or panic even more, but he takes a deep breath before answering.

‘hey, hyung’

‘kyung ah, is everything alright? you don’t normally ask me to text, is something wrong?’

fuck, he didn’t mean to make jiho worry. knowing him, he won’t leave kyung alone until he’s said what’s upset him, not after the last time that he didn’t tell jiho what was up. it should be endearing, how much he clearly cares about kyung, but right now the thought of tell jiho anything about it makes kyung want to throw up.

‘sorry, hyung, i didn’t mean to worry you. and everything is fine, so’

he knows that jiho won’t believe him. he just prays that he’ll let it slide, for once.

‘you don’t need to apologise kyung ah, you didn’t do anything wrong. how are you? it sounds like you just woke up’

kyung lets out a silent breath in relief, as he continues their conversation, dragging it away from any uncertain territory. he thinks he’s managed it, as they move on to talk about how jiho’s doing, which is surprisingly well. now kyung has a firm reason not to bother jiho with his problems, he sounds _calm_ and _optimistic_ , the best kyung has heard him in weeks now.

they have to stop talking when jiho gets called away, something about major steps forward that he really cannot miss, and kyung reluctantly lets him go. the moment he hears the tone that says jiho’s hung up, all the thoughts he’d kept at bay for the last hour or so come flooding back, hitting him all at once, leaving him so helpless that all he can do is sit and cry himself back to sleep.

 

monday eventually rolls around, and after a weekend of being on edge, nearly branching into a full blown panic every time his phone goes off, kyung is glad to have the distractions of lectures and his hyungs more than ever. lectures are, as ever, dull and stuff that kyung mostly knows already, but he doesn’t really expect anything more. what really does throw him off, though, is how quickly his friends start to notice something’s up.

he hasn’t even sat down with his lunch when minhyuk is watching him with furrowed brows, asking if he’s okay, and kyung fumbles a reply but doubts he’s very convincing. he pushes his food arounds his plate as the others talk over him, and though he’s normally quiet with them, kyung can tell that they all see something’s up. as jaehyo starts to argue with some guy across the room about something to do with gaming, jihoon nudges him and raises his eyebrows to ask kyung silently what’s wrong. god, if _jihoon_  hasnoticed, he must be hiding it awfully, and he just shrugs in reply. he’s not technically lying, which makes him feel a little better.

it should be nice, he should want to be with his friends, but it’s even worse than before because _they have no clue what’s wrong this time_. at least when kyung had come home for uni, a shell of the kyung who had left, they had yukwon to tell them to back off, let kyung tell them in his own time. and they did, and kyung could never be more grateful. but this, it was uncharted territory because there was no one to stop them, so of course his friends would show concern. they just didn’t realise it makes kyung feel sick to his stomach.

so he starts to avoid them. one by one, starting with minhyuk who he barely sees as it is, but is also as busy as yukwon with their dance thing. then comes taeil, which isn’t hard, simply telling him he’s not had enough sleep always seems to be enough to get out of their study sessions. jihoon and jaehyo should be a little trickier, as they always seem to be in his dorm waiting for a lift, but seeing as yukwon is basically never there now, he only really sees jihoon on a regular basis for music composition. he doesn’t try to avoid jihoon as much, figuring that he won’t ask again, and can probably feed the rest of them updates. that should be enough to keep them at bay.

it’s a double edged sword, because yeah, now he doesn’t have to act perfectly okay because he knows someone’s watching, but it’s kind of funny. kyung had hated himself for being too much of a coward to tell them about yoojin in the first place, but now he just hates himself even more. in his head, he’s reducing the collateral damage for when this whole thing inevitably all blows up, but the loneliness he’s feeling fits like a tailored glove, constricting him slowly to the point where he thinks he can’t move.

for the majority of the term, kyung keeps himself sane with frequent updates from jiho, the occasional warmth of jiseok latching onto him, and rare forehead kisses from yukwon. he tries to tell himself it’s enough.

 

kyung doesn’t know what to do now, what he _can do,_ without getting in anyone’s way. he hasn’t seen jiseok in two weeks, his case blowing up all of a sudden meaning he can’t even attend practice, yukwon is so busy that he’s only home when kyung isn’t, and the ‘major steps forward’ in jiho’s case turn out to be major steps towards _winning_ , which takes up almost all of his time, sparing five minute bursts to update kyung.

jiho is also writing again, which astounds kyung, but he says it helps with the stress. sometime kyung gets little voice notes, other times full lyrics or just random words that jiho wanted to remember, and every time it is the highlight of kyung’s day. occasionally, jiho will text something completely off the wall like ‘adornment’ and kyung will shoot back with ‘beautification’ and they’ll still be at it an hour later. their conversations mostly hold no weight whatsoever, but kyung can’t help but find them endearing, and they make him miss jiho that much more.

but he keeps entirely to himself apart from that, doing his work as soon as he gets it, finding new reasons to avoid seeing his other friends, which he’s getting far too good at. every time his phone bleeps, a feeling of dread washes over him and leaves him shaking, even though yoojin has only contacted him six or so times since that first call. he can feel himself sinking deeper and deeper into the familiar fear that was once all he knew, and he _hates it_ , but has no clue how to stop it.

he’d almost told yukwon. it had been three in the morning, kyung sitting on the countertop in the kitchen with a glass of water, head spinning, when yukwon got back, looking dead on his feet. he made his way to the kitchen, though, and slid onto the counter to sit next to kyung, concern gracing his features. he touches kyung as if he will break with any sort of force, fingers ghosting over his shoulder, moving up his neck to finally rest at his jaw.

‘is everything alright, kyung ah?’

it was a simple decision to make. his hyung already had enough to deal with on his own, let alone bearing kyung’s problems. no matter how much he feels like breaking down in yukwon’s arms, he can’t let himself be that selfish.

‘yeah hyung, it is’

 

kyung really did try to fool himself into thinking that everything would be alright. but things only get worse. half way through the term, with less sleep that even kyung is usually accustomed to, he gets a call. he hasn’t heard anything from yoojin in a few days, and was almost anticipating this moment. he’s alone, which is kind of normal now, between him avoiding his friends and yukwon’s final dance recital being the following week, their final week of the school year.

he feels numb as he brings his phone to his ear, accepting the fact that answering is better than making yoojin angry.

‘kyung ah, how’re you doing?’

‘don’t call me that. and what do you want?’

the silence on the line probably scared kyung more than a straight up answer would have done.

‘now, there’s no need to be rude to your hyung. i just wanted to tell you that i’m going to be in seoul in a few hours, and i might even come and say hi’

kyung falters, jerking to sit up straight, suddenly breathing too rapidly for the air to be of any use. _oh god, no._

‘i’ll expect you to be very welcoming, kyung ah, because i know you’ll have forgotten the way i spoke to you when we were last together, hmm?’

kyung’s mind is racing, going a thousand miles an hour trying to distract him, to prevent himself from self-destructing or shutting down on the spot. he’s _petrified_ , feels so powerless that he can’t move, can’t speak, can’t do anything to even _try_ to stop this.

‘i know you’ll look forward to seeing me again, kyung ah. i know that i will. maybe we could even have a little fun, for old times sake’

yoojin’s laugh echoes around his head for so long that kyung doesn’t even realise he’s hung up, kyung still holding the phone to his ear. he stands, when he sunk to his knees he doesn’t know, and practically sprints to the bathroom, and immediately throws up. he stays there, head in his hands, shuddering yet paralyzed, until his alarm goes off and he knows he has to go to class. he hates how his life has ended up being run by his phone, alarms for things he can’t escape doing, updates from jiho letting him breathe, any contact from yoojin choking him. it’s almost pointless, him going to lectures, because he can’t seem to pay attention, but it’s better making himself go out and do something than stay here, where honestly, yoojin is most likely to look for him.

kyung is zoned out in class to the point that he thinks he’s ascended his own body, can see himself swaying in his sear both from exhaustion and pure fear. when he sits down he doesn’t take off his mask or cap, the same one jiho gave him all those months ago, he doesn’t even bother pretending to write anything down, too out of it to even compute what his professor is saying. he is only shunted back into reality when someone barges past him in an aim to get out at the end of class.

when he exits the lecture hall, he somehow feels a little more aware, the fear suddenly clarifying everything a little in his head, and he tries to focus on where he can go to feel safe and just be able _think_ a little.

under the tree is the first place that comes to mind, on the grounds yet far from their dorm, where he saw jiho cry for the first time. it somehow seems appropriate, it’s where jiho managed to figure his way out of a difficult situation, and kyung is suddenly inspired to do something about this. it’s not right that he is scared out of his mind, and he flat-out needs to just say no to yoojin. somehow, that thought had never crossed his mind, and he starts to laugh as he makes his way down the front steps of the math building.

his momentary high is momentarily paused by his walking straight into someone, and he mutters an apology before making to move past them. but he feels a hand clasp around his arm, roughly spinning him round to bring him face to face with the man who has practically terrorized him for the past few months.

yoojin looks exactly the same, almost like he did in any of the pictures kyung had burned, dressed in leather jacket, shades, tight black jeans and t shirt from some random indie band he probably didn’t listen to. his hair is still black, styled within an inch of its life, and a cheshire grin painted onto his face. his height is probably the thing that pisses him off most, now that he knows what its like to be with jiho, where he may be smaller but he is given power. here, he’s given barely anything.

‘well, fancy seeing you here, kyung ah. i honestly didn’t think i’d be so lucky’

he still has his grip on kyung’s arm, slowly tightening to the point that kyung is a little worried it will bruise, and if he can help it, he wont let yoojin leave a mark on him this time. he jerks his arm out of the vice grip, and yoojin actually looks _surprised_. kyung can’t say he’s not surprised either, thanking every deity for the adrenaline that’s kicked in amazingly fast.

his expression slowly merges into anger, brows furrowed as he reaches up to remove his shades. his harsh eyes bore into kyung, and kyung instantly remembers why he was so scared in the first place. yoojin steps closer, and lowers his head in the most patronising way possible until he’s just above kyung’s eye line.

‘i’m not in the mood for games, kyung. let’s not make a scene here’

‘i’m not going with you, yoojin ssi’

it’s the best he can do. kyung is small, would probably have no chance of landing a successful punch or anything, but he has his words. it’s something that he’d been working on a little with himself when he couldn’t sleep or to calm him down, replaying situations in his head and thinking what he could have said, might have said before he’d met yoojin. and he wants to be that person again, so _desperately_ , and facing the reason he’s not seems to be like a good place to start. it’s a little inconvenient to be having this revelation now, though, because yoojin is looking more and more murderous by the second.

‘excuse me? you dare to speak to your hyung in that tone?’

kyung can see the whole thing going downhill a mile off, but he’s got so adrenaline behind him now, and he might as well keep trying to stall, at least. maybe, if he wishes hard enough, yukwon or jiseok will appear and interrupt. he raises his chin, still looking yoojin in the eye. he pulls down his mask, figuring he might as well make sure he’s clear.

‘i don’t speak to my hyungs that way, yoojin ssi, i actually respect them. you do not have my respect, and therefore you’re not my hyung and i will not speak to you as if you are’

he doesn’t see the slap coming, but probably should have. it stings, and he internally hits himself for bringing down his mask, because yoojin is still as physically strong as before, if not more so. that might be the only thing about him that’s different, the speed at which he’d resorted to physical violence to try and control kyung.

now yoojin is even closer, glaring down at kyung, almost shaking with rage. it’s odd, this has been the face at the forefront of all kyung’s nightmares for over two years now, yet he feels the calmest he has all term not even two inches away. there’s that weird sense of power again, giving kyung a little hope that this might end up working out for him somehow. it isn’t until he smirks, _dear god why did he think that would be a good idea in any way_ , that yoojin loses it, and violently grips kyung’s throat. in retrospect, kyung isn’t really sure why _that’s_ the thing yoojin had thought would be a good idea, because that’s the sort of thing that _will_ start a scene, not shoving someone off you. then again, yoojin always had been a hypocrite.

being choked is, unfortunately, not foreign either, but that doesn’t mean he handles it any better than the next person. yoojin’s height gives it the extra edge, the upwards motion successfully cutting off enough of kyung’s air supply that he struggles urgently against the vice like grip, gasping in both pain and need to breathe.

kyung isn’t under the illusion that he’ll die like this or anything. he doesn’t think that yoojin would actually kill him, no, he probably could if he wanted to, but that would taint his spotless record a little too permanently, and yoojin is all about making a good impression. that doesn’t make the feeling of slipping away from reality any easier, vision dotted with black and white, and he swears he would do anything for anyone who helped him right now. again, to any deity that wants to listen, he screams in his head, for what would be some sort of miracle, seeing as no one’s stepped in up to this point.

‘hey, what the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?!’

kyung really wouldn’t have given a damn if it was a complete stranger, but _of course it’s jiho_. yoojin immediately releases him, and kyung falls to the ground gasping, still light headed. his vision isn’t great, still a little fuzzy, and now there seems to be flashes lighting the fight he can see just a few metres away. well, fight is an optimistic word, given how much it looks like yoojin is taking a beating. it takes him a moment to realise that oh hell, those flashes are _cameras_ and if jiho had a few fan sites before his album, he must have an awful lot more now. plus, he’s never heard jiho swear before, so he really must be angry.

‘hyung, stop, please’

his voice is far too quiet to be heard, as he’d expected, but he’s not about to give up. pulling his mask up again, jiho taught him well, he groans and rolls onto his back, trying to use the momentum to get him standing. amazingly, it somehow works, and he can see that there are _definitely_ more than ten fan sites this time, and they’re all documenting zico beating up some random guy. not good.

‘jiho hyung, please, he’s not worth it’

he’s close enough now to get both their attentions, and they both look back at him in shock, jiho at his request to show some mercy, and yoojin probably at the use of hyung when referring to jiho. if not for zico’s reputation, he might’ve taken the time to smirk at yoojin, or maybe even let jiho kick him a few more times, but they have really got to go _now._

kyung knows they can seek refuge in the forensics building, jiseok is almost certainly there somewhere, and will be able to give them somewhere to wait, at least until they can get back to kyung’s dorm without being followed. he also owes jiseok an explanation, he owes them _all_ an explanation for how he’s been acting the past months, and he might as well start as soon as he can.

thank goodness that adrenaline is still pumping through kyung’s body, he doesn’t think they would have made it to safety otherwise. they make their way up to jiseok’s office with kyung on autopilot, which is vacant, but he knows they can use it without worrying about his hyung saying no for the moment. it’s only then, when the door shuts behind jiho and kyung turns back to him, that there’s a slight pause where the two just look at each other, and then it all comes flooding out.

kyung buckles, jiho diving forward to catch him, and they collapse onto the floor together, as kyung cries. he cries until his throat is raw, until he’s lightheaded _again_ , and only then, when he’s sobbed enough for both this lifetime and the next, does he finally gaze up at jiho.

it’s only fair that he tells jiho everything. and that means everything, sparing him no gruesome details like he did with jiseok or yukwon. he wants to tell the truth and nothing but, and he still feels safe in jiho’s arms. he knows if he can tell anyone, it’s the guy who just beat up the biggest monster in kyung’s life.

but kyung can’t watch jiho as he tells him about new zealand, even though he's told both his things the exact same thing, because he knows that jiho will break at the thought of kyung breaking, and kyung is emotional enough as it is right now. he explains as much as he can remember, probably in an order that makes no sense, but he can feel jiho’s chin digging into his shoulder as he nods, chest flush against kyung’s back, so he just keeps talking.

he also tells jiho how much he’s done for kyung without even knowing it. how different he’s been from yoojin without even trying, kind, patient, and honest. jiho’s respect for kyung, regardless of their ages, letting him make decisions, checking that everything is okay, has been and will always be a blessing to kyung and he hopes that jiho understands just how much kyung adores him for everything he’s done, and will ever do to make kyung happy.

it’s jiho who ends up lost for words, simply leaning his head down and turning kyung’s so that their foreheads touch, hand on kyung’s cheek, as he lets a few tears of his own fall. it’s all kyung can do to wipe the from jiho’s face as they come, turning in his arms as he holds jiho back, which he’s not sure he’s ever had the confidence to do, and waits quietly for him to be out of tears as well.

it takes jiho a moment to realise that kyung has brought his arms around his waist of his own accord and he laughs, ducking his head to that it rests on kyung’s shoulders, his own shaking, and kyung grins. he doesn’t ask aloud why kyung didn’t tell him before, or while it was happening _for gods sake kyung_ , because he knows that kyung is reckless beneath his quietness, even if that means taking risks with his own sanity, especially when he’s too scared to bother anyone else about it.

kyung also has far more pride than can be good for him, and is awful at asking for help. it’s something that jiho resonates with, but figures he can add it to the list of things he can subtly help kyung work on a little. he has a going list, not so that he can control kyung or anything, but so that he can help the kyung he gets glimpses of become a permanent figure, for everyone to see and admire. it’s what kyung deserves, after all this, to really be himself and loved for it.

they sit there, jiho’s head on kyung’s shoulder, kyung in his lap, swaying slightly, until jiho remembers the situation in which he’d found kyung. his head shoots up, and he brings his eyes down to kyung’s neck, hands following, shaking a little as they trace the outline of the blossoming red streaks, not quite hand shaped, but close enough if you’re looking for it. jiho is almost glad that kyung can’t pass it off as the two of them getting a little rough after not seeing each other for three months, because he can guess that kyung has told absolutely no one about yoojin contacting him again, not even yukwon or jiseok.

speaking of, the door swings open and jiseok, leading a band of other professor-looking people, starts to enter only to notice kyung and jiho wrapped around each other on the floor. his immediate reaction is to sigh, both in happiness and exasperation, and then he sees the marks on kyung’s necks, and he straightens up, stiffly turning to the crowd behind him, before speaking with the calmest yet scariest voice kyung has ever heard him use.

‘i apologise, but we are going to need to relocate. my college will take you to another room, i will be along myself shortly’

the group follows some grad student, and jiseok’s back is still to them as he closes the door and speaks again, voice even stronger.

‘please explain what happened to your neck, kyung. i don’t have very long’

kyung knows what conclusions his hyung has jumped to, that jiho had done this to him. kyung guesses that’s believable enough from jiseok’s point of view, as someone who only really knows jiho through the rose tinted stories kyung has shared and anything he reads about zico. he also knows that if he doesn’t get to the point quickly, jiho is dead meat.

quickly, kyung moves to stand in front of jiho, whatever barrier he can manage to be, and tries to make the words as concise as possible.

‘it was yoojin, hyung. it wasn’t jiho, he’s the reason i’m okay’

it turns out that is was the perfect thing to say to get jiho in the clear, because jiseok turns around slowly, a shocked expression on his face as his eyes flicker from kyung to jiho, then back to kyung.

‘i… wait, what? _what?!’_

kyung has probably cried more in the last half hour than he has in, like, ever. but here he is, in jiseok’s arms, tears streaming down his face again as a warm hand clutches the back of his shirt. jiseok’s tears soak into his hair and he would be grossed out if he wasn’t so relieved for this to be over. jiseok really is going to kill him for not saying something earlier, but kyung doesn’t care right now. he’s safe, with two of his favourite people, and feels _so calm._

eventually they calm down again, and kyung turns to find jiho standing awkwardly with tears in his eyes. kyung laughs at his stance, he couldn’t look less uncomfortable if he tried, and he moves forward to grab jiho’s hand, dragging him over to where jiseok stands.

‘jiseok hyung, this is jiho hyung’

the still sceptical look on jiseok’s face makes him laugh, _again_ , god his hyung is overprotective. kyung rolls his eyes, and then drags them both to the sofa, neither of the others having said a word. he sits them both down, then sits between them, swivelling round so that his head falls on jiseok’s lap, who’s hands automatically falls to play with his hair, and his thighs over jiho’s, playing intertwined hands as jiho gazes down at him.

it’s no surprise to any of them that kyung falls asleep in minutes. what is surprising, to kyung at least, is that when he wakes up, he hears three voices talking and laughing, but he can’t but smile. opening his eyes and looking in the direction of the new voice, he finds yukwon seated on the floor right by his head. his eyes are red and damp, and kyung brings his free hand to wipe the tears and yukwon laughs. he looks so tired, all four of them do, but so happy at the same time. he’s not sure how long he was asleep, but kyung assumes that jiho and jiseok have explained everything.

somehow, they all end up laughing, and if anyone walked in at that moment they would all seem delirious. they probably are a little, but that’s beside the point. when inevitably, someone comes to fetch jiseok for whatever meeting he had missed half of, they have sobered up, and a comfortable silence has descended on them.

on jiseok leaving, the others decide to make their way back to the dorm. they bid him farewell, after kyung promises to come and see jiseok before their next practice session, they make their way outside, where luckily the fan sites have dissipated. it’s almost dark now, the air crisp and wind strong, and kyung has his hyungs’ arms around him, sharing any warmth they can.

it’s a little odd, kyung thinks, as they all fall onto the sofa together, a mess of limbs and blankets, but at the same time he wouldn’t change anything about it. he thinks that jiho and yukwon must have been in contact, and kyung is glad, because they seem incredibly comfortable in each other’s’ presence. for the first time in months he can breathe.

 

‘i really should have guessed about this whole thing, or at least have pushed a little more to get you to tell me. you haven’t been yourself all term’

jiho had left for the recording studio, manager on the phone demanding his presence. he'd actually come over to tell kyung that he'd won the lawsuit before the news broke, but as things would have it, he almost forgot to mention it. but after the emotionally exhausting afternoon, they agreed to celebrate another time. but now jiho was gone, and so kyung had dragged yukwon into bed with him. he looks up at his hyung, and they stare for a moment. it’s not quite calm enough as kyung tries to decipher his own thoughts.

‘i mean, i deliberately didn’t say anything, and tried to hide it as best i could. i really don’t blame you’

they leave it at that, with nothing more to say, but it’s still a little too tense for his liking.

‘have you ever thought of getting a therapist?’

‘why would i when i have you?’

that finally makes yukwon smile as he rolls his eyes and kyung laughs. they’ll be okay.

 

 

it’s by no means easy from there, but it’s a hell of a lot better than before.

kyung _talks._ from the minute he first sees yukwon in the morning, poking fun at his bed hair, all through quiz practice, to the end of the day when he calls jiho before sleeping. he had gone to see jiseok as promised, where they’d talked even more, and at one point kyung had realised he’d been rambling for at least ten minutes. he’d looked up at his hyung, expecting an eye roll or a sarcastic ‘shut up’ type comment, but he got a proud smile. kyung smiled back in return, then continued talking, as jiseok tried to muffle his laughter.

he does take yukwon’s advice, as always, and finds a therapist. he doesn’t see him many for very long, only going biweekly for six months, but it gives him some context for what he’s been through and help him out a little. jiho practically beams when kyung tells him.

kyung had never told yukwon or jiseok absolutely everything that happened to him when he was abroad, he’d deliberately left out any mention of the physical abuse. kyung can see that it was abuse now, after talking about it in therapy, but is still reluctant bringing it up in conversation anywhere else. it’s honestly a miracle to him that he managed to let yukwon, jiseok, and now jiho, cling to him, because a year or so ago, he would jump at even the slightest touch, and his therapist encourages him to think that it’s a huge step in the right direction, the hardest one, and he’s already taken it.

but kyung’s not an idiot, he knows he can’t live his life keeping it all secret, especially since he practically climbed all over his hyungs before he went away, and they really all deserve to know everything. anyone he hadn’t told probably just assumed he’d grown up a little, and he leaves those who know to draw their own conclusions. he just never wanted to explain it, he’s always been insecure about how small his is, and his size had been used against him in the worst way possible.

with his therapist’s encouragement, he starts to tell people. first jiho, who cries because he’s in the us and why the hell would kyung tell him this when he can’t hold him, for god’s sake. then yukwon and jiseok, together because as much as he’s more comfortable telling people now, he’d rather take down two birds with one stone. it’s weirdly like telling his parents, kyung realises, and they all sit together for an afternoon talking through all the things kyung can do to slip away from whatever hold yoojin has over him that he’s discussed in therapy. it’s calming, and kyung could not be more thankful for his hyungs, to know how much they support him.

finally, he tells the rest of his friends everything, from the start. they’re having lunch, and jaehyo is trying to convince the rest of them that strawberries are a vegetable or something, and everyone is teaming up to bring him down. it’s only when kyung googles it and shoves the evidence in his hyung’s face that he gives in.

‘i hate you all’

they all laugh at jaehyo, as he hides his head in his arms.

‘for real, that was a weak line of argument’

‘shut up you know it all’

‘i’ll take that as a compliment’

kyung sticks his tongue, and jaehyo glares before freezing for a moment. he then bursts into laughter, stands up, and practically runs round the table to crush kyung in a tight hug.

‘oh my god, stop, you idiot’

‘that’s hyung to you’

‘alright, _hyung_ , stop, you idiot’

that sets him off again, laughing with his whole body as he releases kyung, who looks up, looking confused at the sudden burst of affection. jaehyo catches his expression, and shakes his head.

‘i feel like i haven’t seen this side of you properly in _years_ , kyung ah, what the hell’

kyung laughs at that, and by now, he has everyone’s attention, and he knows he has to tell them all. so he does.

it’s when he’s lying in bed that night, smiling to himself as he thinks about the weight he feels has been lifted off his shoulders, that he closes in on the reason he feels safe with jiho. he has never used kyung’s size against him, and always tries to keep them on the same level if he can. it’s brilliant, if kyung is honest, and he’s a little amazed that feeling small doesn’t have to be a bad thing, especially if he’s offered the choice of not being so. in the time he’s spent with jiho he’s felt valued, and he finds that so strange, so different that he ends up muffling his laughter into his pillow so as not to wake yukwon.

it’s really weird, but for once, kyung can finally see himself being very happy.

 

being in a relationship with jiho takes a lot of effort, on both their parts, but _god_ kyung is so in love, and it is all unquestionably worth it.

they talk a lot more about the thinks that kyung finds stressful to even think about, let alone voice, but he gets a lot better at it. he starts going to jiho with his problems, rather than jiho having to practically drag them out of him, and it’s really nice kyung finds, having someone he can talk to about anything without having to be worried that they don’t want to know.

that’s not to say that he’s ever found it particularly hard to talk to jiseok or yukwon, it’s just he’s never been this sure of himself. everyone can see it, in the way he touches more, laughs louder, smiles wider and it’s refreshing to everyone. kyung is so much better at recognising that he is actually human, forgiving himself, and trusting others that it makes him feel like he’s an entirely different person to when he first met jiho, and most of his friends seem to think so too.

they don’t really fight, kyung and jiho both too understanding of the other, each on the exact same page about what zico’s responsibilities entail. they talk far less than they’d like, see each other far too little, and are often too tired to hold a conversation for more than five minutes at their set call times. every now and again, when kyung feels the uncertainty seeping in, thinking that their relationship is just going to sizzle out and die, he tells jiho and they talk about it.

trust is the one think kyung knows they’ve got. even through all of zico’s scandals, especially the dating ones, kyung trusts jiho more than anything.

even if zico can never tell the world about them, and he knows jiho wants to more than anything, kyung would never let him. it’s more than enough to be jiho’s best friend, because yes, kyung is jiho’s boyfriend but the label of ‘best friend’ will always keep him happy, because it’s still true.

especially when almost half zico’s songs are blatantly dedicated to his best friend at this point. four years after zico’s first album and kyung has lost count of the number of fan cams he’s watched that start with a monologue about how great this mystery guy is. he wouldn’t change it though, not ever, because kyung knows the smile jiho says it with every time better than anyone. whether through a bad quality webcam, or on kyung’s doorstep, he knows jiho will be there beside him whatever happens.

and that’s worth more than anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> a few things:  
> \- quite a lot of inspiration came from other stuff i've read, namely tomatoes are fruit, kyung is stubborn, and jiho is the softest  
> \- i might start a series of different aus, so if you have any specific requests just shout @ me
> 
> thank you for reading!!


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